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To the best of my knowledge:

• By the time you read this, it will have already been a long week.

• There should be a handbook outlining how many times people need to say, "God bless you'' after someone sneezes.

• Unless the croutons are lined in gold, there is no way 40 cents worth of lettuce and $1.56 worth of chicken should cost $11.99.

• Stress balls are NOT for throwing at (enter name here).

• My wife says that my idea of romance is not yelling, "Hurry up!'' when I'm holding the door for her.

• The extra hour is OK, but I would like to turn the clock back 20 years.

• Never trust anyone who doesn't like Funyuns.

• Hey, Chicago Bears fans, it's not the quarterback, it's the "genius" holding the playing card up to his face calling the plays.

• I just ate a side of coleslaw with two french fries, and I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

• "Sorry for the late response'' is just long for "I forgot.''

• Success is being able to buy ground beef when it's not on sale.

• A single male — let's call him "Freddie the Foolish'' — said to a table filled with married women last week: "Marriage is like falling down a well. One is dark, dank and can hurt you, and the other is a well.''

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• You can't trust anyone who doesn't quote "Christmas Vacation'' at least 10 times over the next eight weeks." (Davenport's Jamie D'Aprile)

• Find me one person who drives the posted 35 mph across the Interstate 74 bridge heading into Iowa, and I'll show you someone being whizzed by traffic like they're standing still.

• The nights we stay up the latest seem to correspond with the mornings we have to wake up the earliest.

• There are friends who call or text hoping you will say you don't need anything in a time of distress, and then there are those who show up at your door with their sleeves already rolled up.

• The world needs more Les Nessmans.

• The best line I heard last week was: "Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.''

• I know money won't buy happiness, but it will provide me a better quality of misery.

• "No, I don't have a rewards card and no, I don't want a rewards card.'' It's is the same answer I have given to the same person three days a week for the past five years.  

• Never trust a politician who talks.

• It's nice that January has shown up in November.

• A group of teenagers gathered in one's basement is called a migraine.

• There's always a competition to see who can carry the most folding chairs.

• We should all take time today and be grateful for those who have defended our nation. 

Columnist John Marx can be reached at 309 757 8388 or jmarx@qconline.com

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