John is a columnist and reporter for Dispatch-Argus-QCOnline.com.


Illinois State Police Master Sgt. Ron Salier uses the cover of a Walsh Construction truck as part of Operation Hard Hat to monitor for speeders a construction zone along Interstate 74 Monday, May 6, 2019, in Moline.  Troopers traded their squad cars and badges, on Monday, for a truck and hard hat to blend in with the zone’s workers while looking for speeders, distracted drivers and any other violations.

To the best of my knowledge:

• Cold brew and iced coffee are the same things. A bitter-tasting, overpriced scam.

• Humor is watching an 18-year-old high school senior attempt to put on shoes he refuses to untie. Look out, world.

• One day I'm young and carefree, the next day I can tell you when it's going to rain by the pain in my fake left hip and surgically repaired right knee.

• A decade in the red and a billion dollars lost. Yep, sounds like presidential material to me. Atta boy, Captain Combover.

• "If you want to truly gauge the intelligence of society, try directing traffic.'' (Told to me by a member of a local police force during the recent flood craziness).

• Smoothies are milkshake wannabees suffering from an identity crisis.

• There's always going to be a bigger flood. Build the silly wall, Davenport.

• It's a less than classy move by law enforcement to dress like construction workers while running radar. Stop short-cutting the process and do your job the right way — in uniform — with your radar gun in the front of the construction zone. 

• Non-barber haircuts are the reason I have trust issues.

• I feel like an interim pastor these days.

• "I set out to lose 10 pounds this month and I only have 15 more to go.'' (Dude holding Hy-Vee Chinese takeout and two Whitey's frozen malts.)

• Takers may eat better, but givers sleep better. (My late mother.)

• All that is splendid about tacos should not be confined to a single day of the week, especially Tuesday.

• Semitruck drivers should not be allowed on side streets.

• Archie is a great name. Back off, haters.

• It's all cool unless you fail. Then it's just stupid.

• Eggs do not belong on pizza. It's OK to eat pizza whenever you want, but eggs should never be in involved.

• In my world, a lunch and learn is more about lunch than the learning.

• I'd like to give ATM fees a big shout out. Nothing like paying to get your own money.

• Morning and decaf should never be used in the same sentence.

• All confetti should be banned unless the tosser brings the vacuum.

• Jennifer Aniston remains the best thing about Hollywood.

• The worst drive-thru in the history of man is the Golden Arches in a certain local village with an Italian counterpart.

• The importance of one's ringtone remains lost on me.

• There is nothing calming about someone telling you to "relax.''

• Line dancing, I'm told, was invented by a bunch of women waiting to get into a nightclub bathroom.

• "Insurance companies rock,'' said no one, ever.

• The best sign I read all week was at a local bakery. It read: "My brain said "crunches,'' but my stomach auto-corrected it to "cupcakes.''

Columnist John Marx can be reached at 309-757-8388 or Jmarx@qconline.com.


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