To the best of my knowledge:

• Forget the television show "Naked and Afraid", for most 60-somethings just being at work without reading glasses is frightening enough. 

• There's nothing better than a fall campfire and the top layer of a slightly burned marshmallow.

• If you are reading this, you know I survived another homecoming dance and all the baloney that comes with it.

• Organized types are just people who are too lazy to look for stuff.

• The beauty and everything else about scented candles is lost on me.

• "If you get busted about to eat something from the floor, just pretend you lost your contact,'' said a certain teenager who will remain nameless.

• You can have all the talking refrigerators you want, but find me one that fills itself and I'm buying it tomorrow.

• Every relationship has a 'kitchen cabinet opener' and a 'kitchen cabinet closer.'

• My world is one big Wile E. Coyote video.

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• We are cutting edge in the world of technology, but we cannot un-select a floor in an elevator.

• If you get to the NFL, you can dance all you want in the end zone. Until that time, high school football players need to hand the ball to the official when they score.

• It had to be easier for the St. Louis Cardinals to be swept out of the National League Championship Series than to be a fan watching it unravel on TV.

• When the cashier asks you if you'd like to round your bill up to the next dollar for a charity (and looks annoyed with having to do it) they should at least know something about the charity.

• There are two kinds of people: one who washes his or her dishes because they just ate, or those of us who wash dishes because we are about to eat.

• I'm a fan of what the Quad City Storm does in the community, but how come the hot dog and soda discounts for Friday home games is only good until the puck drops? Are you really losing that much per-person if you run the special throughout the game?

• After noon on Sundays, if something you need cannot be reached from the couch, that something is not worth reaching for.

• It's got to be a conspiracy. I can hear them talking to one another. "Hey, Marx is leaving work, so this is the perfect time to open the (Government Bridge) span and let six or seven barges through to slow him from getting to where he needs to go. Let's make sure he's on the bridge before we close the gate and turn on the flashing red lights. And let's make sure we call the railroad dudes, so once we get him in Illinois, we can delay his getting back to Iowa with a couple of long — and loud — trains.''

• An act of vandalism should be a felony.

Columnist John Marx can be reached at 309 757 8388 or jmarx@qconline.com


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