Chuckles for August 2006



August 01
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
--Gore Vidal (1925 - )

August 02
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
--Unknown

August 03
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
--Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

August 04
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky
--Solomon Short

August 07
I am not young enough to know everything.
--Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

August 08
It's never just a game when you're winning.
--George Carlin

August 09
There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
--Jerry Seinfeld

August 11
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
--Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

August 14
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
--Tallulah Bankhead (1903 - 1968)

August 15
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
--Ellen DeGeneres

August 17
The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
--Patrick Young

August 18
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

August 21
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
--Leo Rosten (1908 - )

August 22
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
--Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

August 23
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
--Susan Ertz

August 28
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
--W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

August 29
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
--Katharine Whitehorn

August 30
Health food makes me sick.
--Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

August 31
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
--Jeff Valdez

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Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Oct. 20, the 293rd day of 2014. There are 72 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The store of Devoe and Crampton was entered and robbed of about $500 worth of gold pens and pocket cutlery last night.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Michael Malloy was named president of the Tri-City Stone Cutters Union.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dewitte C. Poole, former Moline newspaperman serving as vice consul general for the United States government in Paris, declared in a letter to friends that the once gay Paris is a city of sadness and desolation.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for the construction of an $80,000 wholesale bakery at 2011 4th Ave. were announced by Harry and Nick Coin, of Rock Island. It is to be known as the Banquet Bakery.
1964 -- 50 years ago: An application has been filed for a state permit to organize a savings and loan association in Moline, it was announced. The applicants are Ben Butterworth, A.B. Lundahl, C. Richard Evans, John Harris, George Crampton and William Getz, all of Moline, Charles Roberts, Rock Island, and Charles Johnson, of Hampton.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Indian summer is quickly disappearing as temperatures slide into the 40s and 50s this week. Last week, highs were in the 80s.


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