Chuckles for August 2006



August 01
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
--Gore Vidal (1925 - )

August 02
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
--Unknown

August 03
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
--Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

August 04
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky
--Solomon Short

August 07
I am not young enough to know everything.
--Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

August 08
It's never just a game when you're winning.
--George Carlin

August 09
There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
--Jerry Seinfeld

August 11
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
--Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

August 14
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
--Tallulah Bankhead (1903 - 1968)

August 15
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
--Ellen DeGeneres

August 17
The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
--Patrick Young

August 18
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

August 21
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
--Leo Rosten (1908 - )

August 22
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
--Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

August 23
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
--Susan Ertz

August 28
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
--W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

August 29
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
--Katharine Whitehorn

August 30
Health food makes me sick.
--Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

August 31
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
--Jeff Valdez

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Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Sept. 1, the 244th day of 2014. There are 121 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We are informed by J.H. Hull that the reason the street sprinkler was not at work yesterday settling the dust on the streets, was because one of his horses was injured.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Bonnie McGregor, a fleet-footed stallion owned by S.W. Wheelock of this community, covered himself with glory at Lexington, Ky, when he ran a mile in 2:13 1/2. The horse's value was estimated as at least $50,000.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Troops are pouring into Paris to prepare for defense of the city. The German army is reported to be only 60 miles from the capital of France.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The German army has invaded Poland in undeclared warfare. Poland has appealed to Great Britain and France for aid.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Publication of a plant newspaper, the Farmall Works News, has been launched at the Rock Island IHC factory and replaces a managerial newsletter.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Officials predict Monday's Rock Island Labor Parade will be the biggest and best ever. Last minute work continues on floats and costumes for the parade, which steps off a 9:30 a.m.




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