Chuckles for August 2006



August 01
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
--Gore Vidal (1925 - )

August 02
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
--Unknown

August 03
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
--Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

August 04
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky
--Solomon Short

August 07
I am not young enough to know everything.
--Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

August 08
It's never just a game when you're winning.
--George Carlin

August 09
There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."
--Jerry Seinfeld

August 11
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
--Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

August 14
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
--Tallulah Bankhead (1903 - 1968)

August 15
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
--Ellen DeGeneres

August 17
The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
--Patrick Young

August 18
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

August 21
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
--Leo Rosten (1908 - )

August 22
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
--Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

August 23
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
--Susan Ertz

August 28
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
--W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

August 29
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
--Katharine Whitehorn

August 30
Health food makes me sick.
--Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

August 31
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
--Jeff Valdez

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Local events heading








  Today is Tuesday, July 29, the 210th day of 2014. There are 155 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Col. H.F. Sickless informs us that there will be new organization of troops in this state under the call for more men.
1889 -- 125 years ago: James Normoyle arrived home after graduating from West Point with honors in the class of 1889. He was to report to Fort Brady, Mich., as second lieutenant in the 23rd Infantry.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Austria Hungary declared war on Serbia. Germany and Austria refused an invitation of Sir Edward Grey to join Great Britain at a mediation conference.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Dr. William Mayo, the last of the three famous Mayo brother surgeons, died at the age of 78.
1964 -- 50 years ago: One of the biggest horse shows of the season was held yesterday at Hillandale Arena on Knoxville Road under the sponsorship of the Illowa Horsemen's Club.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Davenport is like a gigantic carnival this weekend with the Bix Arts Fest taking over 12 square blocks of the downtown area. A festive atmosphere prevailed Friday as thousands of people turned out to sample what the Arts Fest has to offer.








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