Chuckles for July 2006



July 05
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
--Bill Vaugha

July 06
A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?" "As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"
--lotsofjokes.com

July 07
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
--Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)

July 10
People want economy and they will pay any price to get it.
--Lee Iacocca (1924 - )

July 11
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
--Dave Barry (1947 - )

July 12
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
--Mel Brooks (1926 - )

July 13
I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
--Babe Ruth (1895 - 1948)

July 14
Crime does not pay .....as well as politics.
--Alfred E. Newman

July 17
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
--Harlan Ellison (1934 - )

July 18
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
--Marquis de la Grange (1639 - 1692)

July 19
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
--Dan Quayle (1947 - )

July 20
Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
--Joe Theismann, Former quarterback

July 21
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
--Gilda Radner

July 24
What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
--ahajokes.com

July 25
Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking.
--Clement Atlee

July 26
I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
--Buzz Aldrin (1930 - )

July 27
Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
-- Abigail Van Buren (1918 - ), 1978

July 28
The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884 - 1980)

July 31
Hell, there are no rules here-- we're trying to accomplish something.
--Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)

Back: Past Chuckles





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  Today is Monday, April 21, the 111th day of 2014. There are 254 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The female sex seems to have gone crazy on the subject of dry goods. When high prices keep them from increasing their wardrobes, they turn to stealing. Yard goods, hats, shoes and other items are being picked up and carried home.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Members of Everts Commandery No. 18, Knights Templar, under Commander H.C. Cleaveland, marched from the Masonic Temple to Trinity Episcopal Church for their annual Easter services.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Nate Hultgren pitched the Augustana College baseball team to a 10-3 victory over Carthage, striking out 11 men and allowing only four hits.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Marvel Leonhardi, a Rock Island High School senior, was the winner of an essay contest on advertising sponsored by The Argus and Advertising Age, a national advertising publication.
1964 -- 50 years ago: The Augustana College band drew a crowd of 1,200 people for its annual home concert in Centennial Hall. The size of the crowd was indicative of the fact the band is rapidly approaching the stature of the Augustana Choir.
1989 -- 25 years ago: A benefit to raise money for extracurricular activities in the Rock Island Milan School District will be April 27 at the Quad City Downs harness race track. People buying $17.50 tickets to the second annual "Night at the Quad City Downs" will be entitled to an evening of harness racing and dinner.






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