Chuckles for July 2006



July 05
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
--Bill Vaugha

July 06
A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?" "As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"
--lotsofjokes.com

July 07
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
--Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)

July 10
People want economy and they will pay any price to get it.
--Lee Iacocca (1924 - )

July 11
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
--Dave Barry (1947 - )

July 12
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
--Mel Brooks (1926 - )

July 13
I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
--Babe Ruth (1895 - 1948)

July 14
Crime does not pay .....as well as politics.
--Alfred E. Newman

July 17
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
--Harlan Ellison (1934 - )

July 18
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
--Marquis de la Grange (1639 - 1692)

July 19
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
--Dan Quayle (1947 - )

July 20
Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
--Joe Theismann, Former quarterback

July 21
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
--Gilda Radner

July 24
What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
--ahajokes.com

July 25
Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking.
--Clement Atlee

July 26
I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
--Buzz Aldrin (1930 - )

July 27
Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
-- Abigail Van Buren (1918 - ), 1978

July 28
The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884 - 1980)

July 31
Hell, there are no rules here-- we're trying to accomplish something.
--Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)

Back: Past Chuckles





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  Today is Wednesday, July 30, the 211th day of 2014. There are 154 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: After Sept. 1, every small box of matches will be required to have a 3 cent duty Lincoln stamp on it, and every large box will be one cent for every 100 matches.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Rock Island residents had contributed a total of $1,293 to the American Red Cross for the Johnstown flood relief fund.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Capt. Clark Means, new darkhorse twirler for the ARGUS staff, was in great form in his initial contest as a mound laborer. The result was that THE ARGUS trimmed the Union 6-5.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Hunter and Humprey Moody, young Decatur, Ill, brothers, lack only a few hours of establishing a new world light plane endurance record.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Gates of the 110th annual Mercer County Fair swing open tonight at Aledo for a full week of day and night activity. More that $36,000 will be paid in premiums and race purses.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The baseball field carved out of the cornfield near Dyersville, Iowa, continues to keep dreams alive for hundreds of visitors. Tourists from 26 state and France have visited Dan Lansing's farm to see the baseball diamond seen in the hit movie "Field of Dreams."






(More History)