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Chuckles for May 2006

May 01
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
--lotsofjokes.com

May 02
Police Quotes
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
--lotsofjokes.com

May 04
Signs Of Maturity
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 05
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 08
Parent Definitions
NDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 09
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 10
Signs you sre no longer a kid...
Your ears are hairier than your head.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 11
Biggest Lies
The check is in the mail.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 12
Police Quotes
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
--lotsofjokes.com

May 15
Product Wording:
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 17
Say this tongue twister quickly three times:
Unique New York

May 18
Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?"
Wife: "Is that what I do?"
--lotsofjokes.com

May 19
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
--lotsofjokes.com

May 22
The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it. “It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”
--cleanjoke.com/

May 23
Its amazing how eagles catch their prey, they must be really talonted.
--punoftheday.com

May 24
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
--ahajokes.com

May 25
Q. What breaks when you say it?
A. Silence!
--lotsofjokes.com

May 26
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
--lotsofjokes.com

May 30
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mt. Everest was still the highest mountain even before it was discovered.
--azkidsnet.com

May 31
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police, open up!!
--azkidsnet.com

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Today is Thursday, June 20, the 171st day of 2013. There are 194 days left in the year.
1863 -- 150 years ago: The latest interpretation of the conscription law is said to be that $800 can be paid for an exemption, in which case the person will be eligible for call ina subsequent draft; or a substitute can be furnished. In the latter case, if the substitute isaccepted, the person he represents is exempted for that draft period.
1888 -- 125 years ago: A floral concert presented by Central Presbyterian Church womenattracted a large crowd yesterday.
1913 -- 100 years ago: Milton Reed, infielder on the Davenport baseball club, has beensold to the Philadelphia National league team.
1938 -- 75 years ago: The State Bank of Rock Island has doubled its capital structure,raising it to $1 million, according to Lewis B. Wilson, president of the bank.
1963 -- 50 years ago: The American Wind Symphony Orchestra will present two concertsin the Quad-Cities on Aug. 6, performing from its specially equipped stage-barge. Thebarge, which is traveling the Mississippi River route, will be moored just off the shore forthe concerts.
1988 -- 25 years ago: Fines for overdue items at the Rock Island Public Library are beingincreased to 10 cents per day per item effective July 1. Fines will not be prorated onbooks returned after that date.

(More History)