Chuckles for May 2006

May 01
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

May 02
Police Quotes
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

May 04
Signs Of Maturity
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

May 05
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

May 08
Parent Definitions
NDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

May 09
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

May 10
Signs you sre no longer a kid...
Your ears are hairier than your head.

May 11
Biggest Lies
The check is in the mail.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

May 12
Police Quotes
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

May 15
Product Wording:
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

May 17
Say this tongue twister quickly three times:
Unique New York

May 18
Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?"
Wife: "Is that what I do?"

May 19
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

May 22
The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it. Its great, Tommy said. I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad

May 23
Its amazing how eagles catch their prey, they must be really talonted.

May 24
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.

May 25
Q. What breaks when you say it?
A. Silence!

May 26
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

May 30
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mt. Everest was still the highest mountain even before it was discovered.

May 31
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dishes who?
Dishes the police, open up!!

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of 2014. There are 153 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: A corps of surgeons now occupies the new hospital quarters at the Garrison Hospital on the Rock Island Arsenal. A fence has been installed to enclose the prison hospital.
1889 -- 125 years ago: B. Winter has let a contract to Christ Schreiner for a two story brick building with a double store front on the south side of 3rd Avenue just west of 17th Street. The estimated cost was $4,500.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Germany sent simultaneous ultimatums to Russia and France, demanding that Russia suspend mobilization within 12 hours and demanding that France inform Germany within 18 hours. In the case of war between Germany and Russia, France would remain neutral.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Civil service offices at the post office and the Rock Island Arsenal were swamped as more than 700 youths sought 15 machinist apprenticeships at the Arsenal.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Last night, American Legion Post 246 in Moline figuratively handed over the trousers to a female ex-Marine and petticoat rule began. Olga Swanson, of Moline, was installed as the first woman commander of the post .
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Illinois Quad City Civic Center captured the excitement and interest of a convention of auditorium managers this weekend in Reno, Nev. Bill Adams, civic center authority chairman, said the 10,000-seat arena planned for downtown Moline has caught the eye of construction firms, suppliers, management teams and concession groups.

(More History)