Chuckles for March 2006



March 01
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
--lotsofjokes.com

March 02
If actions speak louder than words then why can't you hear mime artists?
--punoftheday.com

March 03
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 06
It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 07
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
--lotsofjokes.com

March 08
You know you are addicted to technology when...
You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 09
Q. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
A. Because it makes you break out!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 10
Things To Ponder
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 13
What did the sock say to the foot?
You are putting me on!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 14
Q. Where do cows go on holiday?
A. Moo York!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 15
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
--lotsofjokes.com

March 16
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
--lotsofjokes.com

March 17
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 20
Q: Why did the doughnut shop close?
A: The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 21
The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 21
The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
--101funjokes.com

March 21
The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and I said, dust.
--101funjokes.com

March 22
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
--lotsofjokes.com

March 23
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 24
Difficult English
The bandage was wound around the wound.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 27
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
--jokesgalore.com

March 28
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
--jokesgalore.com

March 28
How Cold Is It?
You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
--jokesgalore.com

March 29
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
--jokesgalore.com

March 30
If a fire hydrant has H2O inside, what does it have on the outside?
K9P!
--jokesgalore.com

March 31
Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.
--jokesgalore.com

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  Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of 2014. There are 252 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Some persons are negotiating for 80 feet of ground on Illinois Street with a view of erecting four stores thereon. It would serve a better purpose if the money was invested in neat tenement houses.
1889 — 125 years ago: The Central station, car house and stables of the Moline-Rock Island Horse Railway line of the Holmes syndicate, together with 15 cars and 42 head of horses, were destroyed by fire. The loss was at $15,000.
1914 — 100 years ago: Vera Cruz, Mexico, after a day and night of resistance to American forces, gradually ceased opposition. The American forces took complete control of the city.
1939 — 75 years ago: Dr. R. Bruce Collins was reelected for a second term as president of the Lower Rock Island County Tuberculosis Association.
1964 — 50 years ago: Work is scheduled to begin this summer on construction of a new men's residence complex and an addition to the dining facilities at Westerlin Hall at Augustana College.
1989 — 25 years ago: Special Olympics competitors were triple winners at Rock Island High School Saturday. The participants vanquished the rain that fell during the competition, and some won their events; but most important, they triumphed over their own disabilities.




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