Chuckles for March 2006



March 01
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
--lotsofjokes.com

March 02
If actions speak louder than words then why can't you hear mime artists?
--punoftheday.com

March 03
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 06
It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 07
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
--lotsofjokes.com

March 08
You know you are addicted to technology when...
You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 09
Q. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
A. Because it makes you break out!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 10
Things To Ponder
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 13
What did the sock say to the foot?
You are putting me on!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 14
Q. Where do cows go on holiday?
A. Moo York!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 15
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
--lotsofjokes.com

March 16
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
--lotsofjokes.com

March 17
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 20
Q: Why did the doughnut shop close?
A: The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
--lotsofjokes.com

March 21
The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 21
The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
--101funjokes.com

March 21
The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and I said, dust.
--101funjokes.com

March 22
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
--lotsofjokes.com

March 23
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 24
Difficult English
The bandage was wound around the wound.
--lotsofjokes.com

March 27
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
--jokesgalore.com

March 28
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
--jokesgalore.com

March 28
How Cold Is It?
You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
--jokesgalore.com

March 29
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
--jokesgalore.com

March 30
If a fire hydrant has H2O inside, what does it have on the outside?
K9P!
--jokesgalore.com

March 31
Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.
--jokesgalore.com

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Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Oct. 20, the 293rd day of 2014. There are 72 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The store of Devoe and Crampton was entered and robbed of about $500 worth of gold pens and pocket cutlery last night.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Michael Malloy was named president of the Tri-City Stone Cutters Union.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dewitte C. Poole, former Moline newspaperman serving as vice consul general for the United States government in Paris, declared in a letter to friends that the once gay Paris is a city of sadness and desolation.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for the construction of an $80,000 wholesale bakery at 2011 4th Ave. were announced by Harry and Nick Coin, of Rock Island. It is to be known as the Banquet Bakery.
1964 -- 50 years ago: An application has been filed for a state permit to organize a savings and loan association in Moline, it was announced. The applicants are Ben Butterworth, A.B. Lundahl, C. Richard Evans, John Harris, George Crampton and William Getz, all of Moline, Charles Roberts, Rock Island, and Charles Johnson, of Hampton.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Indian summer is quickly disappearing as temperatures slide into the 40s and 50s this week. Last week, highs were in the 80s.


(More History)