Chuckles for February 2006



February 01
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
-- jokesandhumor.com

February 02
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
-- jokesandhumor.com

February 03
In Mexico we have a word for sushi:
Bait.
(quotationspage.com)

February 06
Now And Then...
THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint. (quotationspage.com)

February 06
Now And Then...
THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint. (quotationspage.com)

February 06
Now And Then...
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint. (lotsofjokes.com)

February 07
Now And Then...
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
(lotsofjokes.com)

February 08
Now And Then...
Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.
(lotsofjokes.com)

February 09
Now And Then...
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
(lotsofjokes.com)

February 10
Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...
The bandage was wound around the wound.
He could lead if he would get the lead out
(lotsofjokes.com)

February 10
Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...
-The bandage was wound around the wound.
-He could lead if he would get the lead out
(lotsofjokes.com)

February 13
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!
(lotsofjokes.com)

February 14
Q. What did one light bulb say to the other? A."I love you a whole watt!"
(jokesvalentines.htm)

February 15
So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say, they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!!!!!!
(kidssportsnet.com)

February 16
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
--lotsofjokes.com

February 17
...order a pizza the fun way...
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Rent a pizza.
--lotsofjokes.com

February 20
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
--humormatters.com

February 21
Fun While Driving
Two words: Chicken suit.
--humormatters.com

February 22
The Cynic's Guide to Life:
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
--lotsofjokes.com

February 23
Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
--lotsofjokes.com

February 24
You know you're a cat person when...
...you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.
--lotsofjokes.com

February 27
Good reasons to celebrate the end of the dot-com boom...
Your boss is older than you again.
The dotcom generation will have to retire at 60 after all—not 30
--lotsofjokes.com

February 28
Driving School Exam:
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.
--lotsofjokes.com

Back: Past Chuckles






Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Sept. 1, the 244th day of 2014. There are 121 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We are informed by J.H. Hull that the reason the street sprinkler was not at work yesterday settling the dust on the streets, was because one of his horses was injured.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Bonnie McGregor, a fleet-footed stallion owned by S.W. Wheelock of this community, covered himself with glory at Lexington, Ky, when he ran a mile in 2:13 1/2. The horse's value was estimated as at least $50,000.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Troops are pouring into Paris to prepare for defense of the city. The German army is reported to be only 60 miles from the capital of France.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The German army has invaded Poland in undeclared warfare. Poland has appealed to Great Britain and France for aid.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Publication of a plant newspaper, the Farmall Works News, has been launched at the Rock Island IHC factory and replaces a managerial newsletter.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Officials predict Monday's Rock Island Labor Parade will be the biggest and best ever. Last minute work continues on floats and costumes for the parade, which steps off a 9:30 a.m.




(More History)