Chuckles for July 2005



July 01
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--funny2.com/

July 05
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
--funny2.com

July 06
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
--funny2.com

July 07
Q. How does a pig go to hospital?
A. In a hambulance.
--funny2.com

July 08
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
--funny2.com

July 11
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.
--funny2.com

July 12
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
--Zsa Zsa Gabor

July 13
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!".
--funny2.com

July 14
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".
Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
--funny2.com

July 15
Insanity helpers
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
--funny2.com

July 18
What is brown and lives in a bell tower?
--The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
--funny2.com

July 18
What is brown and lives in a bell tower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
--funny2.com

July 19
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
--octanecreative.com

July 20
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
--101funjokes.com

July 21
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
--Henny Youngman

July 22
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--Steven Wright

July 25
I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.
--funny2.com

July 27
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
--lotsofjokes.com/

July 28
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.
- Judith Viorst

July 29
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
--lotsofjokes.com

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  Today is Sunday, April 20, the 110th day of 2014. There are 255 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The attention of contractors is called to proposals for building a magazine. The building is to be erected on the south side of the island, above the railroad, nearly opposite Sinnit's ice houses.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Ladies patent leather tip shoes were selling for $3 at the M & K store, and men's spring overcoats were advertised at $7.50.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Fred Feuchter, of Davenport, was elected president of the Tri-City Post Office Clerks club, and Joe Goldsmith, of Rock Island, was named secretary treasurer.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Mass vaccination of more than 1,600 employed of the Rock Island Arsenal has been ordered by Col. Norman Ramsey after a 13-year-old daughter of the Arsenal manager became ill with smallpox.
1964 -- 50 years ago: The 1964 Scout-O-Rama of the Sac-Fox Council of Boy Scouts closed a two-day session last evening at the Rock Island Armory with 5,000 paid attendance.
1989 -- 25 years ago: "From the horse and buggy days ... to this" said Mercer County Sheriff Marvin Thirtyacre, waving his hand to indicate the sheriff's department facilities at the new $1.5 million Mercer County Jail in Aledo.




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