Chuckles for July 2005



July 01
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--funny2.com/

July 05
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
--funny2.com

July 06
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
--funny2.com

July 07
Q. How does a pig go to hospital?
A. In a hambulance.
--funny2.com

July 08
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
--funny2.com

July 11
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.
--funny2.com

July 12
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
--Zsa Zsa Gabor

July 13
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!".
--funny2.com

July 14
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".
Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
--funny2.com

July 15
Insanity helpers
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
--funny2.com

July 18
What is brown and lives in a bell tower?
--The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
--funny2.com

July 18
What is brown and lives in a bell tower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
--funny2.com

July 19
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
--octanecreative.com

July 20
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
--101funjokes.com

July 21
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
--Henny Youngman

July 22
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--Steven Wright

July 25
I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.
--funny2.com

July 27
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
--lotsofjokes.com/

July 28
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.
- Judith Viorst

July 29
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
--lotsofjokes.com

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of 2014. There are 153 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: A corps of surgeons now occupies the new hospital quarters at the Garrison Hospital on the Rock Island Arsenal. A fence has been installed to enclose the prison hospital.
1889 -- 125 years ago: B. Winter has let a contract to Christ Schreiner for a two story brick building with a double store front on the south side of 3rd Avenue just west of 17th Street. The estimated cost was $4,500.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Germany sent simultaneous ultimatums to Russia and France, demanding that Russia suspend mobilization within 12 hours and demanding that France inform Germany within 18 hours. In the case of war between Germany and Russia, France would remain neutral.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Civil service offices at the post office and the Rock Island Arsenal were swamped as more than 700 youths sought 15 machinist apprenticeships at the Arsenal.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Last night, American Legion Post 246 in Moline figuratively handed over the trousers to a female ex-Marine and petticoat rule began. Olga Swanson, of Moline, was installed as the first woman commander of the post .
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Illinois Quad City Civic Center captured the excitement and interest of a convention of auditorium managers this weekend in Reno, Nev. Bill Adams, civic center authority chairman, said the 10,000-seat arena planned for downtown Moline has caught the eye of construction firms, suppliers, management teams and concession groups.








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