Chuckles for February 2005
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
-- Erma Bombeck
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx (1922 - 1991)
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.
There is never enough time, unless you're serving it.
Malcolm Forbes (1919-1990)
Q: What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards?
A: Dill me in!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Q. What did the boy light bulb say to the girl light bulb on Valentine's Day?
A. I wuv you watts and watts!
My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
-- Dame Edna Everage(1934 - )
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H. L. Mencken
I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.
Duke Ellington (1899 - 1974)
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?
A: Ape Lincoln!
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Q. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A. A Nervous Wreck!
Q. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A. Unique Up On It.
Q. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A. Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
-- Luis Bunuel (1900 - 1983)
Back: Past Chuckles