Chuckles for August 2004



August 02
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
--ahajokes.com

August 03
Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
-- Unknown

August 04
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
-- Arthur Miller

August 04
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
-- Arthur Miller

August 05
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
--ahajokes.com

August 06
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

August 09
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
--ahajokes.com

August 10
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
--ahajokes.com

August 11
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
--ahajokes.com

August 12
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
--ahajokes.com

August 13
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
--ahajokes.com

August 16
Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
--Joe Theismann, Former quarterback

August 17
Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
--jokesnjokes.net

August 18
The Definition of an Upgrade:
Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
--ahajokes.com

August 19
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
--Groucho Marx

August 20
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.
--ahajokes.com

August 23
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary
--ahajokes.com

August 24
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
--ahajokes.com

August 25
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
-- Franklin P. Jones

August 26
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--ahajokes.com

August 27
A bad day at work is better than a good day in hell.
-- (boardofwisdom.com)

August 30
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

August 31
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend,
"I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
--ahajokes.com

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  Today is Tuesday, Sept 2, the 245th day of 2014. There are 120 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: It is estimated that 300,000 people attended the recent Democratic convention in Chicago when Gen. George B. McClellan of New Jersey was nominated as a candidate for president of the United States.
1889 — 125 years ago: Alderman Frank Ill, Winslow Howard and Captain J.M. Montgomery returned from Milwaukee, where they attended the national Grand Army of the Republic encampment.
1914 — 100 years ago: Three members of the Rock Island YMCA accepted positions as physical directors of other associations. Albert Cook went to Kewanee, C.D. Curtis to Canton and Willis Woods to Leavenworth, Kan.
1939 — 75 years ago: Former President Herbert Hoover appealed for national support of President F.D. Roosevelt and Congress in every effort to keep the United States out of war.
1964 — 50 years ago: The Rock Island Junior chamber pf Commerce has received answers to about 65 % of the 600 questionnaires mailed out recently in a "Community Attitude Survey" to analyze sentiments of citizens towards their city's various recreational, educational, and civic service programs.
1989 — 25 years ago: The two thunderstorms passing through the Quad Cities last night and early today left some area residents reaching for their flashlights.






(More History)