Chuckles for July 2004

July 01
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
--(ahajokes.com)

July 02
The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . . "I'm not free. I'm four."
--(101july4th.com)

July 06
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
--ahajokes.com

July 07
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
-- Gallagher

July 08
Chipped dishes never break.
--ahajokes.com

July 09
I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
-- New York City detective

July 12
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
-- Franklin P. Jones

July 13
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
--ahajokes.com

July 14
Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.
-- Sir Ralph Richardson(1902-1983)

July 15
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can:
all of them make me laugh.
-- W. H. Auden (1907-1973)

July 16
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
--ahajokes.com

July 19
"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
--ahajokes.com

July 20
The more things change, the more they remain...insane.
-- Michael Fry & T. Lewis

July 21
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
-- Quentin Crisp

July 22
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
-- David Frost

July 23
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
-- Jerry Seinfeld (1954 - )

July 26
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
--ahajokes.com

July 27
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-- Herbert Hoover

July 28
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
-- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

July 29
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
--ahajokes.com

July 30
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
-- G. K. Chesterton

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