Chuckles for June 2004



June 01
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
(ahajokes.com)

June 02
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman.
And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx

June 03
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
-- (aha.com)

June 04
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
-- (aha.com)

June 07
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
-- (aha.com)

June 08
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
-- (aha.com)

June 09
Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
-- (aha.com)

June 10
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
-- (aha.com)

June 11
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
-- (aha.com)

June 14
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
-- Groucho Marx

June 15
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884 - 1980)

June 16
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
--Steven Wright

June 17
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...
What's my mother going to do?
--Steven Wright

June 18
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
(ahajokes.com)

June 21
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
(ahajokes.com)

June 22
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
-- Katherine Cebrian

June 23
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
-- ahajokes.com

June 24
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

June 25
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
--Steven Wright

June 28
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno (1950 - )

June 29
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
--Steven Wright

June 30
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--(ahajokes.com)

June 30
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--(ahajokes.com)

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Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, Sept. 17, the 260th day of 2014. There are 105 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: We are told league merchants have paid no attention to the prohibition on selling ammunition, but continue to sell just as before the order was issued.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The Rev. R.F. Sweet, rector of Trinity Episcopal Parish, left for the East to visit his boyhood home in Boston before attending the general convention of the Episcopal Church in New York.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dr. E.A. Anderson was named to succeed Dr. E.L. Kerns as head physician of the Modern Woodmen of America, and moved to Rock Island from Holdingford, Minn.
1939 -- 75 years ago: One week late, because of the outbreak of war, Dr. E.L. Beyer resumed his work as professor of romance languages at Augustana College. Dr. and Mrs. Beyer left Germany on the last train to the Belgian border.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Employees in Turnstyle stores in Moline and Davenport will vote Oct. 2 in an election set up by the Chicago regional office of the National Labor Relations Board. Employees will vote either for the Retail Clerk International or for no union.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Rock Island High School is considering a step to help teen moms stay in school and get their diploma. The school board is expected to vote tonight on instituting an on-site child care center.




(More History)