Chuckles for June 2004



June 01
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
(ahajokes.com)

June 02
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman.
And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx

June 03
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
-- (aha.com)

June 04
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
-- (aha.com)

June 07
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
-- (aha.com)

June 08
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
-- (aha.com)

June 09
Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
-- (aha.com)

June 10
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
-- (aha.com)

June 11
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
-- (aha.com)

June 14
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
-- Groucho Marx

June 15
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884 - 1980)

June 16
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
--Steven Wright

June 17
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...
What's my mother going to do?
--Steven Wright

June 18
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
(ahajokes.com)

June 21
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
(ahajokes.com)

June 22
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
-- Katherine Cebrian

June 23
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
-- ahajokes.com

June 24
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

June 25
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
--Steven Wright

June 28
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno (1950 - )

June 29
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
--Steven Wright

June 30
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--(ahajokes.com)

June 30
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--(ahajokes.com)

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Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, July 30, the 211th day of 2014. There are 154 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: After Sept. 1, every small box of matches will be required to have a 3 cent duty Lincoln stamp on it, and every large box will be one cent for every 100 matches.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Rock Island residents had contributed a total of $1,293 to the American Red Cross for the Johnstown flood relief fund.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Capt. Clark Means, new darkhorse twirler for the ARGUS staff, was in great form in his initial contest as a mound laborer. The result was that THE ARGUS trimmed the Union 6-5.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Hunter and Humprey Moody, young Decatur, Ill, brothers, lack only a few hours of establishing a new world light plane endurance record.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Gates of the 110th annual Mercer County Fair swing open tonight at Aledo for a full week of day and night activity. More that $36,000 will be paid in premiums and race purses.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The baseball field carved out of the cornfield near Dyersville, Iowa, continues to keep dreams alive for hundreds of visitors. Tourists from 26 state and France have visited Dan Lansing's farm to see the baseball diamond seen in the hit movie "Field of Dreams."






(More History)