Chuckles for June 2004



June 01
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
(ahajokes.com)

June 02
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman.
And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx

June 03
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
-- (aha.com)

June 04
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
-- (aha.com)

June 07
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
-- (aha.com)

June 08
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
-- (aha.com)

June 09
Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
-- (aha.com)

June 10
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
-- (aha.com)

June 11
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
-- (aha.com)

June 14
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
-- Groucho Marx

June 15
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884 - 1980)

June 16
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
--Steven Wright

June 17
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...
What's my mother going to do?
--Steven Wright

June 18
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
(ahajokes.com)

June 21
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
(ahajokes.com)

June 22
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
-- Katherine Cebrian

June 23
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
-- ahajokes.com

June 24
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

June 25
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
--Steven Wright

June 28
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno (1950 - )

June 29
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
--Steven Wright

June 30
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--(ahajokes.com)

June 30
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
--(ahajokes.com)

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  Today is Saturday, April 19, the 109th day of 2014. There are 256 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Miss McCorkindale has opened millinery rooms over Gimbel's dry goods store, where she offers a choice lot of millinery goods, which she will manufacture to order.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The little South Park Presbyterian chapel celebrated it first Easter decorated with flowers for an afternoon worship service attended by a large congregation.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The Wennerberg Chorus of Augustana College has returned from a 2,000-mile tour in the Eastern states and Illinois.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Col. Charles Lindbergh has stated that he is convinced that Germany's air force is equal to the combined sky fleets of her potential European foes.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Small gas motors may be permitted on boats in the lake to be built in Loud Thunder Forest Preserve. The prospect was discussed yesterday at a meeting of the Rock Island County Forest Preserve Commission.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The annual Dispatch/Rock Island Argus Spelling Bee continues to be a family tradition. Ed Lee, an eighth-grader at John Deere Junior High School, Moline, is the 1989 spelling bee champion from among 49 top spellers in Rock Island, Henry and Mercer counties. He advances to the competition in Washington, D.C. Runnerup was Ed's sister, Susan.






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