Chuckles for May 2004



May 03
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
-- H. L. Mencken

May 04
By the time we've made it, we've had it.
-- Malcolm Forbes(1919 - 1990)

May 05
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

May 06
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.
-- Franklin P. Adams

May 07
have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
-- Babe Ruth (1895 - 1948)

May 07
I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
-- Babe Ruth (1895 - 1948)

May 10
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
--ahajokes.com

May 11
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
--ahajokes.com

May 12
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
--Steven Wright

May 13
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
--Steven Wright

May 14
Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them.
-- Dr. Martin Henry Fischer

May 17
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-- A. Whitney Brown

May 18
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
ahajokes.com

May 19
Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father?
They called him dad!
(ahajokes.com)

May 20
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
(ahajokes.com)

May 21
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
(ahajokes.com)

May 24
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny(1894-1974)

May 25
Two rules to success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
(ahajokes.com)

May 26
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
(ahajokes.com)

May 27
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
(ahajokes.com)

May 28
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
(ahajokes.com)

Back: Past Chuckles





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  Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of 2014. There are 252 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Some persons are negotiating for 80 feet of ground on Illinois Street with a view of erecting four stores thereon. It would serve a better purpose if the money was invested in neat tenement houses.
1889 — 125 years ago: The Central station, car house and stables of the Moline-Rock Island Horse Railway line of the Holmes syndicate, together with 15 cars and 42 head of horses, were destroyed by fire. The loss was at $15,000.
1914 — 100 years ago: Vera Cruz, Mexico, after a day and night of resistance to American forces, gradually ceased opposition. The American forces took complete control of the city.
1939 — 75 years ago: Dr. R. Bruce Collins was reelected for a second term as president of the Lower Rock Island County Tuberculosis Association.
1964 — 50 years ago: Work is scheduled to begin this summer on construction of a new men's residence complex and an addition to the dining facilities at Westerlin Hall at Augustana College.
1989 — 25 years ago: Special Olympics competitors were triple winners at Rock Island High School Saturday. The participants vanquished the rain that fell during the competition, and some won their events; but most important, they triumphed over their own disabilities.




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