Chuckles for May 2004



May 03
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
-- H. L. Mencken

May 04
By the time we've made it, we've had it.
-- Malcolm Forbes(1919 - 1990)

May 05
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

May 06
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.
-- Franklin P. Adams

May 07
have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
-- Babe Ruth (1895 - 1948)

May 07
I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
-- Babe Ruth (1895 - 1948)

May 10
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
--ahajokes.com

May 11
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
--ahajokes.com

May 12
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
--Steven Wright

May 13
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
--Steven Wright

May 14
Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them.
-- Dr. Martin Henry Fischer

May 17
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-- A. Whitney Brown

May 18
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
ahajokes.com

May 19
Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father?
They called him dad!
(ahajokes.com)

May 20
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
(ahajokes.com)

May 21
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
(ahajokes.com)

May 24
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny(1894-1974)

May 25
Two rules to success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
(ahajokes.com)

May 26
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
(ahajokes.com)

May 27
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
(ahajokes.com)

May 28
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
(ahajokes.com)

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  Today is Tuesday, Sept, 30, the 273rd day of 2014. There are 92 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: The ARGUS Boys are very anxious to attend the great Democratic mass meeting tomorrow and we shall therefore, print no paper on the day.
1889 — 125 years ago: H.J. Lowery resigned from his position as manager at the Harper House.
1914 — 100 years ago: Curtis & Simonson was the name of a new legal partnership formed by two younger members of the Rock Island County Bar. Hugh Cyrtis and Devore Simonson..
1939 — 75 years ago: Harry Grell, deputy county clerk was named county recorder to fill the vacancy caused by a resignation.
1964 — 50 years ago: A new world wide reader insurance service program offering around the clock accident protection for Argus subscribers and their families is announced today.
1989 — 25 years ago: Tomato plant and other sensitive greenery may have had a hard time surviving overnight as temperatures neared the freezing point.




(More History)