Chuckles for March 2004



March 01
A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change.
--Jay Leno

March 02
There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.
- Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

March 02
There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.
-Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

March 02
There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.
Muhammad Ali(1942 - )

March 02
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

March 03
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
-Margaret Thatcher

March 04
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.
-- J. W. Schopf

March 05
Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
-- G. K. Chesterton

March 08
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
- Charles Wadsworth

March 09
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
--www.tech-sol.net

March 10
There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

March 11
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
-- Bill Lyon

March 12
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
-- Ed Gardner

March 15
No one travelling on a business trip would be missed if he failed to arrive.
-- Thorstein Veblen

March 16
Q. In which month do monkeys play baseball?
A. Ape-ril!
(kieto.com)

March 17
Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
-- E. Joseph Crossman

March 18
Why arenít there ever any guilty bystanders? br>--(jokesgalore.com)

March 18
Why arenít there ever any guilty bystanders?
--(jokesgalore.com)

March 19
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
-- Ogden Nash

March 22
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
-- Ogden Nash

March 22
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
--Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993)

March 23
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
-- Woody Allen

March 24
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
-- Fran Lebowitz

March 25
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
--tech-sol.net/humor

March 26
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Unknown

March 29
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S Truman

March 30
People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
-- Sinclair Lewis (1885 - 1951)

March 31
What a splendid head, yet no brain.
-- Aesop

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Tuesday, July 29, the 210th day of 2014. There are 155 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Col. H.F. Sickless informs us that there will be new organization of troops in this state under the call for more men.
1889 -- 125 years ago: James Normoyle arrived home after graduating from West Point with honors in the class of 1889. He was to report to Fort Brady, Mich., as second lieutenant in the 23rd Infantry.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Austria Hungary declared war on Serbia. Germany and Austria refused an invitation of Sir Edward Grey to join Great Britain at a mediation conference.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Dr. William Mayo, the last of the three famous Mayo brother surgeons, died at the age of 78.
1964 -- 50 years ago: One of the biggest horse shows of the season was held yesterday at Hillandale Arena on Knoxville Road under the sponsorship of the Illowa Horsemen's Club.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Davenport is like a gigantic carnival this weekend with the Bix Arts Fest taking over 12 square blocks of the downtown area. A festive atmosphere prevailed Friday as thousands of people turned out to sample what the Arts Fest has to offer.








(More History)