Chuckles for January 2004



January 02
The big story today: Las Vegas got three inches of snow. It's official, hell is freezing over.
--Jay Leno

January 05
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
--Johnny Carson

January 06
In California a new beer is being sold called the Govenator in honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently, after six of them you start to talk like Arnold.
--Conan O'Brien

January 07
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
-- Victor Borge (1909 - )

January 08
Are you like me and too lazy to remove those Christmas decorations off the house? Do what I do. I just buy a new house.
--Craig Kilborn

January 09
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
-- Phyllis Diller

January 09
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
-- Phyllis Diller

January 12
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
-- Unknown

January 12
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
-- Unknown

January 13
Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin a special announcement – the National Security Alert has now been lowered back down to "elevated”. Have you got that? It’s been lowered to "elevated”. I hope that clears up any confusion.
--Jay Leno

January 14
Keeping your clothes well pressed will keep you from looking hard pressed.
-- Coleman Cox

January 15
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
-- George Carlin (1937 - )

January 15
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin (1937 - )

January 16
A restaurant in Seattle is now offering a steak covered in coffee grounds. Didn’t that used to be the bottom of the trash bag?
--Jay Leno

January 19
Tennis star John McEnroe says that during his career he was being given horse steroids without his knowledge. McEnroe became suspicious after he lost the U.S. Open and won the Kentucky Derby.
--Conan O'Brien

January 20
Here’s some good news. Because of the photos from the mars rover showing that everything seems to be quiet on Mars…..the Department of Homeland Security has downgraded Mars from the red planet to the yellow planet.
--Jay Leno

January 21
As you know, NASA has landed that Mars Rover on the surface of Mars and is sending back pictures. Have you seen this thing? It looks like a golf cart with a drill on the front. Talk about the Republican’s dream come true. You can play golf and drill for oil at the same time.
--Jay Leno

January 22
Bush said American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. And some of the skills you’re going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korea because that’s where all the jobs went.
--Jay Leno

January 23
Big news today. The Mars probe quit working today. Here’s the kicker – the warranty expired yesterday.
--Craig Kilborn

January 26
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
-- Oscar Wilde

January 27
Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. Snowballs!
(lifeisajoke.com)

January 28
Q. How many letters are in the alphabet?
A. There are 11 letters in "THE ALPHABET" Did you say 26? :)
(riddlenut.com)

January 29
The oldest bank robber in the United States, a 92 year old man in Texas, has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. This is what scares me about our prison system. You know with good behavior he could be out and back on the streets by the time he’s 98.
--Jay Leno

January 30
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian Proverb

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