Chuckles for November 2003
Why do they call the miniature versions of candy bars "fun size”? Wouldn’t the entire candy bar be much more fun?
There’s a new report saying that the disease that President Franklin Roosevelt had may not have been polio. How bad was his HMO? Getting the test results back 58 years after you’re dead. "Good news Mr. President, you might not have had polio.”
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
-- Evan Esar
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali (1942 - )
The best armor is to keep out of range.
-- Italian Proverb
Some good news in education. According to a report by the Modern Language Association, more students than ever are studying a foreign language. The bad news, the foreign language is English.
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
-- Russell Baker (1925 - )
The only thing that's been a worse flop than the organization of non-violence has been the organization of violence.
Joan Baez (1941 - )
It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand.
-- Suze Orman
Last night on the show "60 Minutes II”, one member of the Grateful Dead revealed that late Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia was into drugs. Why is it always the people you’d least expect?
Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to "Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.”
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.
-- Laurence J. Peter
President Bush is in England. That’s big news. He’s staying at Buckingham Palace and there are thousands of protestors outside. The protestors were dispersed when palace guard tossed a tooth brush into the crowd.
A California man attempted to rob a bank but forgot to cut the eyeholes into his mask. When he approached the teller he said, "I have a gun and I’m not afraid to look for it!"
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the "stuffing" knocked out of him.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
Back: Past Chuckles