Chuckles for November 2003



November 03
Why do they call the miniature versions of candy bars "fun size”? Wouldn’t the entire candy bar be much more fun?
Jay Leno

November 04
There’s a new report saying that the disease that President Franklin Roosevelt had may not have been polio. How bad was his HMO? Getting the test results back 58 years after you’re dead. "Good news Mr. President, you might not have had polio.”
Jay Leno

November 05
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
-- Evan Esar

November 06
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

November 07
The best armor is to keep out of range.
-- Italian Proverb

November 10
Some good news in education. According to a report by the Modern Language Association, more students than ever are studying a foreign language. The bad news, the foreign language is English.
-Jay Leno

November 11
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)

November 12
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
-- Russell Baker (1925 - )

November 13
The only thing that's been a worse flop than the organization of non-violence has been the organization of violence.
Joan Baez (1941 - )

November 14
It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand.
-- Suze Orman

November 17
Last night on the show "60 Minutes II”, one member of the Grateful Dead revealed that late Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia was into drugs. Why is it always the people you’d least expect?
--Jay Leno

November 18
Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to "Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.”
--Craig Kilborn

November 19
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.
-- Laurence J. Peter

November 20
President Bush is in England. That’s big news. He’s staying at Buckingham Palace and there are thousands of protestors outside. The protestors were dispersed when palace guard tossed a tooth brush into the crowd.
--Conan O'Brien

November 21
A California man attempted to rob a bank but forgot to cut the eyeholes into his mask. When he approached the teller he said, "I have a gun and I’m not afraid to look for it!"
--Craig Kilborn

November 24
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

November 25
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

November 26
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the "stuffing" knocked out of him.
--kidsdomain.com

November 28
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
--kidsdomain.com

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of 2014. There are 252 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Some persons are negotiating for 80 feet of ground on Illinois Street with a view of erecting four stores thereon. It would serve a better purpose if the money was invested in neat tenement houses.
1889 — 125 years ago: The Central station, car house and stables of the Moline-Rock Island Horse Railway line of the Holmes syndicate, together with 15 cars and 42 head of horses, were destroyed by fire. The loss was at $15,000.
1914 — 100 years ago: Vera Cruz, Mexico, after a day and night of resistance to American forces, gradually ceased opposition. The American forces took complete control of the city.
1939 — 75 years ago: Dr. R. Bruce Collins was reelected for a second term as president of the Lower Rock Island County Tuberculosis Association.
1964 — 50 years ago: Work is scheduled to begin this summer on construction of a new men's residence complex and an addition to the dining facilities at Westerlin Hall at Augustana College.
1989 — 25 years ago: Special Olympics competitors were triple winners at Rock Island High School Saturday. The participants vanquished the rain that fell during the competition, and some won their events; but most important, they triumphed over their own disabilities.




(More History)