Chuckles for November 2003



November 03
Why do they call the miniature versions of candy bars "fun size”? Wouldn’t the entire candy bar be much more fun?
Jay Leno

November 04
There’s a new report saying that the disease that President Franklin Roosevelt had may not have been polio. How bad was his HMO? Getting the test results back 58 years after you’re dead. "Good news Mr. President, you might not have had polio.”
Jay Leno

November 05
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
-- Evan Esar

November 06
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

November 07
The best armor is to keep out of range.
-- Italian Proverb

November 10
Some good news in education. According to a report by the Modern Language Association, more students than ever are studying a foreign language. The bad news, the foreign language is English.
-Jay Leno

November 11
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)

November 12
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
-- Russell Baker (1925 - )

November 13
The only thing that's been a worse flop than the organization of non-violence has been the organization of violence.
Joan Baez (1941 - )

November 14
It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand.
-- Suze Orman

November 17
Last night on the show "60 Minutes II”, one member of the Grateful Dead revealed that late Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia was into drugs. Why is it always the people you’d least expect?
--Jay Leno

November 18
Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to "Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.”
--Craig Kilborn

November 19
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.
-- Laurence J. Peter

November 20
President Bush is in England. That’s big news. He’s staying at Buckingham Palace and there are thousands of protestors outside. The protestors were dispersed when palace guard tossed a tooth brush into the crowd.
--Conan O'Brien

November 21
A California man attempted to rob a bank but forgot to cut the eyeholes into his mask. When he approached the teller he said, "I have a gun and I’m not afraid to look for it!"
--Craig Kilborn

November 24
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

November 25
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

November 26
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the "stuffing" knocked out of him.
--kidsdomain.com

November 28
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
--kidsdomain.com

Back: Past Chuckles






Local events heading








  Today is Tuesday, Sept. 16, the 259th day of 2014. There are 106 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: A fine lumber mill is on the course of erection at Andalusia. A flouring mill at that location is doing a fine business.
1889 — 125 years ago: J.B. Lidders, past captain of Beardsley Camp, Sons of Veterans, returned from Paterson, N.Y., where he attended the National Sons of Veterans encampments.
1914 — 100 years ago: President Wilson announced that he had received from the imperial chancellor of Germany a noncommittal reply to his inquiry into a report that the emperor was willing to discuss terms of peace.
1939 — 75 years ago: Delegates at the Illinois Conference of the Methodist Church in Springfield voted to raise the minimum pay of ministers so that every pastor would get at least $1,000 annually.
1964 — 50 years ago: An audience of more than 2,600 persons jammed into the Davenport RKO Orpheum theater with a shoe horn feasted on a Miller-Diller evening that was a killer night. Phyllis Diller sent the audience with her offbeat humor. And send them she did! It was Miss Diller's third appearance in the Quad-Cities area.
1989 — 25 years ago: A few years ago, a vacant lot on 7th Avenue and 14th Street in Rock Island was a community nuisance. Weeds grew as high 18 inches. Today, the lot has a new face, thanks to Michael and Sheila Rind and other neighbors who helped them turn it into a park three weeks ago.





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