Chuckles for November 2003



November 03
Why do they call the miniature versions of candy bars "fun size”? Wouldn’t the entire candy bar be much more fun?
Jay Leno

November 04
There’s a new report saying that the disease that President Franklin Roosevelt had may not have been polio. How bad was his HMO? Getting the test results back 58 years after you’re dead. "Good news Mr. President, you might not have had polio.”
Jay Leno

November 05
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
-- Evan Esar

November 06
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali (1942 - )

November 07
The best armor is to keep out of range.
-- Italian Proverb

November 10
Some good news in education. According to a report by the Modern Language Association, more students than ever are studying a foreign language. The bad news, the foreign language is English.
-Jay Leno

November 11
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)

November 12
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
-- Russell Baker (1925 - )

November 13
The only thing that's been a worse flop than the organization of non-violence has been the organization of violence.
Joan Baez (1941 - )

November 14
It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand.
-- Suze Orman

November 17
Last night on the show "60 Minutes II”, one member of the Grateful Dead revealed that late Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia was into drugs. Why is it always the people you’d least expect?
--Jay Leno

November 18
Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to "Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.”
--Craig Kilborn

November 19
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.
-- Laurence J. Peter

November 20
President Bush is in England. That’s big news. He’s staying at Buckingham Palace and there are thousands of protestors outside. The protestors were dispersed when palace guard tossed a tooth brush into the crowd.
--Conan O'Brien

November 21
A California man attempted to rob a bank but forgot to cut the eyeholes into his mask. When he approached the teller he said, "I have a gun and I’m not afraid to look for it!"
--Craig Kilborn

November 24
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

November 25
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
-Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

November 26
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the "stuffing" knocked out of him.
--kidsdomain.com

November 28
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
--kidsdomain.com

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of 2014. There are 153 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: A corps of surgeons now occupies the new hospital quarters at the Garrison Hospital on the Rock Island Arsenal. A fence has been installed to enclose the prison hospital.
1889 -- 125 years ago: B. Winter has let a contract to Christ Schreiner for a two story brick building with a double store front on the south side of 3rd Avenue just west of 17th Street. The estimated cost was $4,500.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Germany sent simultaneous ultimatums to Russia and France, demanding that Russia suspend mobilization within 12 hours and demanding that France inform Germany within 18 hours. In the case of war between Germany and Russia, France would remain neutral.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Civil service offices at the post office and the Rock Island Arsenal were swamped as more than 700 youths sought 15 machinist apprenticeships at the Arsenal.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Last night, American Legion Post 246 in Moline figuratively handed over the trousers to a female ex-Marine and petticoat rule began. Olga Swanson, of Moline, was installed as the first woman commander of the post .
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Illinois Quad City Civic Center captured the excitement and interest of a convention of auditorium managers this weekend in Reno, Nev. Bill Adams, civic center authority chairman, said the 10,000-seat arena planned for downtown Moline has caught the eye of construction firms, suppliers, management teams and concession groups.








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