Chuckles for October 2003
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
--Doris Day (1924 - )
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
There is never enough time, unless you're serving it.
-- Malcolm Forbes (1919 - 1990)
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
--Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC)
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
-- Richard Lewis
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
In Chicago, garbage collectors are on strike. Trash is piling up at a rate of 15,000 tons a day. So for the first time in years the Cubs donít stink, but now the city does. Itís unbelievable.
A good time to be here in New York City. You know whatís going on? The annual cat show over at Madison Square Garden. Thereís three things they judge the cats on. One, a shiny coat, got to have a nice shiny coat. Two, posture. Three, how quickly the cat responds to the sound of an electric can opener.
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-- Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Do you know how Columbus discovered America? Anybody know? He was drawn by the lights from the Indian casinos.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
-- Jeff Valdez
China is about to send its first astronaut into space. Heíll blast off, then make 14 orbits of the earth, and then return. Which would be very impressive ... if this was 1962.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.
-- Cathy Ladman
Partying is such sweet sorrow.
-- Robert Byrne
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
-- Sam Ewing
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
-- William Feather (1908 - 1976)
Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry.
John Lennon (1940 - 1980)
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.
-- Gertrude Stein (1874 - 1946)
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-- P. J. O'Rourke (1947 - )
A firm in Texas is working on a toilet seat that automatically will lower itself after use. The result so far during testing Ė 40 dogs have been killed.
What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet
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