Chuckles for October 2003

October 01
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
--Doris Day (1924 - )

October 02
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

October 03
There is never enough time, unless you're serving it.
-- Malcolm Forbes (1919 - 1990)

October 06
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
--Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC)

October 07
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
-- Richard Lewis

October 08
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
-- Woody Allen (1935 - )

October 09
In Chicago, garbage collectors are on strike. Trash is piling up at a rate of 15,000 tons a day. So for the first time in years the Cubs donít stink, but now the city does. Itís unbelievable.
--Jay Leno

October 10
A good time to be here in New York City. You know whatís going on? The annual cat show over at Madison Square Garden. Thereís three things they judge the cats on. One, a shiny coat, got to have a nice shiny coat. Two, posture. Three, how quickly the cat responds to the sound of an electric can opener.
--David Letterman

October 13
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-- Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)

October 14
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
--Dave Barry

October 15
Do you know how Columbus discovered America? Anybody know? He was drawn by the lights from the Indian casinos.
--Jay Leno

October 16
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
-- Jeff Valdez

October 17
China is about to send its first astronaut into space. Heíll blast off, then make 14 orbits of the earth, and then return. Which would be very impressive ... if this was 1962.
--Jay Leno

October 20
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--Steven Wright

October 21
My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.
-- Cathy Ladman

October 22
Partying is such sweet sorrow.
-- Robert Byrne

October 23
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
-- Sam Ewing

October 24
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
-- William Feather (1908 - 1976)

October 27
Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry.
John Lennon (1940 - 1980)

October 28
Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.
-- Gertrude Stein (1874 - 1946)

October 29
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-- P. J. O'Rourke (1947 - )

October 30
A firm in Texas is working on a toilet seat that automatically will lower itself after use. The result so far during testing Ė 40 dogs have been killed.
--Craig Kilborn

October 31
What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Wednesday, Oct. 1, the 274th day of 2014. There are 91 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: It is rumored in the streets that the 13 negroes sent to Quincy on the Moline quota were refused. We think this must be a mistake.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Harvey McKenna, of Detroit, billiard player matched to play Wizard Schafer in New York in January for the world championship, was a professional friend and manager, Billy Catton in Rock Island.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Levi Cralle, former Rock Island county sheriff, had come from his farm near Mitchell, S.D. to visit friends in the city.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Work is being rushed on the new high school building in Orion to replace the one destroyed by fire last winter. Classes are being held in churches.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Rehearsals for the 84th season of the Handel Oratorio Society chorus will begin at 7:30 p.m. Monday on the stage of Centennial Hall, Augustana College.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Rock Island City Council's plan announced this week to have the federal government vacate Valley Homes public housing and move residents to Arsenal Courts to reduce density may not be feasible.

(More History)