Chuckles for September 2003

September 02
The MTV Music Video Awards are tonight. All the big names are there, like, Fifty Cent, Ben Affleck and Ludicrous – no wait, that’s the California recall election.
--David Letterman

September 03
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.
--Malcolm Forbes

September 03
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.
--Malcolm Forbes

September 04
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
--Rita Rudner

September 05
Old" is when...
your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
--www.tech-sol.net/humor/

September 08
In Florida, the founder of Domino's Pizza opened a university. It's the only school that can guarantee grads a job when they get out.
--Jay Leno

September 09
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
--Yogi Berra

September 09
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
--Yogi Berra

September 10
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
--Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )

September 11
Did you hear about the guy that shipped himself to Texas in a crate? I think it’d be very traumatic – but it was a typical flight, the guy in the crate next to him wouldn’t stop talking.
David Letterman

September 12
It is better to hide ignorance, but it is hard to do this when we relax over wine.
-Heraclitus (540 BC - 480 BC)

September 12
It is better to hide ignorance, but it is hard to do this when we relax over wine.
--Heraclitus (540 - 480 BC)

September 15
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
-- Jack Benny (1894 - 1974)

September 16
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
-- Unknown

September 17
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
-- Laurence J. Peter

September 18
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
-- Ambrose Bierce

September 19
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
--Leo J. Burke

September 22
I’m fascinated by these reporters who feel they have to stand outside in the storm to report. Have you seen this? It’s like the Weather Channel version of "Jackass”.
--Jay Leno

September 23
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
-- Tom Lehrer

September 24
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
--Oscar Levant

September 25
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
--Doug Larson

September 26
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno

September 29
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
--Lisa Grossman

September 30
And two suspected al Qaeda militants have been arrested in Pakistan. They were arrested at an internet café. Let me tell you something, if these guys were downloading music, they are in big trouble.
--Jay Leno

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