Chuckles for August 2003

August 01
"If you took NyQuil and No-Doz at the same time, would you dream you couldn't sleep?"
-- Carrot Top

August 04
Police have arrested a 400-pound man in Anaheim suspected in a string of convenience store robberies. When they told him he had the right to one phone call, he called Domino’s.
Jay Leno

August 05
You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.
--Carrie Fisher

August 06
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
--Franklin P. Jones

August 07
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
--Clarence Darrow

August 08
Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for Governor in California. Already you can hear the chants of "Four more vowels! Four more vowels! Four more vowels!”
--Craig Kilborn

August 11
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
--Dave Barry

August 12
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner

August 13
A new computer virus is going around. It’s called something like MS Blast. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with an actual deck of cards.

--Craig Kilborn

August 13
A new computer virus is going around. It’s called something like MS Blast. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with an actual deck of cards.
--Craig Kilborn

August 14
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
--William S. Burroughs (1914 - )

August 14
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
--William S. Burroughs (1914 - )

August 15
One of the candidates for governor in California is a 100-year-old woman. She would like to recall Governor Davis – and, more importantly, she’d like to recall where she left her teeth.
--Conan O'Brien

August 18
I don’t get this, we bomb Iraq for three months before their lights go out. Some guy in Ohio trips over an extension cord, blink, the whole east coast goes dark.
--Jay Leno

August 19
Did you see New York during the blackout? There were so many people on the street in Times Square, a confused Dick Clark showed up to start a countdown.
--Jay Leno

August 20
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
--Oscar Wilde

August 21
I have something to say to everyone, something to admit – the Northeast blackout has been traced back to my blow dryer.
--Craig Kilborn

August 22
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
--David Dunham

August 25
Travel is only glamorous in retrospect.
--Paul Theroux (1941 - ), in The Washington Post

August 26
It’s so hot here. The heat has affected everything. Just today I saw a cop chasing a mugger – and they were both walking.
--David Letterman

August 27
Did you survive the blackout? It affected everyone. My mom’s blender was out so she had to go 18 hours without a margarita.
--David Letterman

August 28
Someone stole an armored truck from JFK Airport with almost 2 million dollars in it. The driver spent all the 2 million on gas for the truck.
--Conan O'Brien

August 29
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
--Ogden Nash

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