Chuckles for July 2003



July 01
Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)

July 02
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
-- Steven Wright

July 03
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
-- Steven Wright

July 07
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
-- Laurence J. Peter

July 08
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
-- Emo Phillips

July 09
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
-- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

July 10
The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
-- Henry J. Tillman

July 10
The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
-- Henry J. Tillman

July 11
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
-- Andy Rooney

July 14
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
-- G.K. Chesterton

July 15
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
-- Ronnie Shakes

July 16
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel

July 17
To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.
-- Joan Klempner

July 18
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
--George Jessel

July 21
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
-- Maureen Murphy

July 22
Forty-three percent of New York City schoolchildren are overweight. The other 57 percent have been crushed to death during leapfrog.
--Craig Kilborn

July 23
In an interview over the weekend, Hillary Clinton gave her blessing for Sharon Stone to play her in a TV movie. And today Bill said, "can I play myself?”
--Jay Leno

July 24
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act III

July 25
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

July 25
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
-- Janet Long

July 25
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
-- Janet Long

July 28
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
-- Janet Long

July 28
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
-- Dale Carnegie

July 29
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
-- Evan Esar

July 30
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
-- Russell Baker (1925 - )

July 30
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
- Russell Baker(1925 - )

July 31
Saddam said if he had 100 kids, he would gladly send them on the same path as Uday and Qusay. He wouldn’t go with them – but he’d send them on that path.
--Jay Leno

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  Today is Monday, April 21, the 111th day of 2014. There are 254 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The female sex seems to have gone crazy on the subject of dry goods. When high prices keep them from increasing their wardrobes, they turn to stealing. Yard goods, hats, shoes and other items are being picked up and carried home.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Members of Everts Commandery No. 18, Knights Templar, under Commander H.C. Cleaveland, marched from the Masonic Temple to Trinity Episcopal Church for their annual Easter services.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Nate Hultgren pitched the Augustana College baseball team to a 10-3 victory over Carthage, striking out 11 men and allowing only four hits.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Marvel Leonhardi, a Rock Island High School senior, was the winner of an essay contest on advertising sponsored by The Argus and Advertising Age, a national advertising publication.
1964 -- 50 years ago: The Augustana College band drew a crowd of 1,200 people for its annual home concert in Centennial Hall. The size of the crowd was indicative of the fact the band is rapidly approaching the stature of the Augustana Choir.
1989 -- 25 years ago: A benefit to raise money for extracurricular activities in the Rock Island Milan School District will be April 27 at the Quad City Downs harness race track. People buying $17.50 tickets to the second annual "Night at the Quad City Downs" will be entitled to an evening of harness racing and dinner.






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