Chuckles for July 2003

July 01
Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock (1899 - 1980)

July 02
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
-- Steven Wright

July 03
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
-- Steven Wright

July 07
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
-- Laurence J. Peter

July 08
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
-- Emo Phillips

July 09
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
-- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

July 10
The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
-- Henry J. Tillman

July 10
The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
-- Henry J. Tillman

July 11
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
-- Andy Rooney

July 14
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
-- G.K. Chesterton

July 15
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
-- Ronnie Shakes

July 16
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel

July 17
To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.
-- Joan Klempner

July 18
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
--George Jessel

July 21
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
-- Maureen Murphy

July 22
Forty-three percent of New York City schoolchildren are overweight. The other 57 percent have been crushed to death during leapfrog.
--Craig Kilborn

July 23
In an interview over the weekend, Hillary Clinton gave her blessing for Sharon Stone to play her in a TV movie. And today Bill said, "can I play myself?”
--Jay Leno

July 24
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act III

July 25
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

July 25
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
-- Janet Long

July 25
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
-- Janet Long

July 28
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
-- Janet Long

July 28
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
-- Dale Carnegie

July 29
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
-- Evan Esar

July 30
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
-- Russell Baker (1925 - )

July 30
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
- Russell Baker(1925 - )

July 31
Saddam said if he had 100 kids, he would gladly send them on the same path as Uday and Qusay. He wouldn’t go with them – but he’d send them on that path.
--Jay Leno

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