Chuckles for June 2003



June 02
Every crowd has a silver lining.
-- Phineas Taylor Barnum

June 03
President Bush is in Europe for the big G-8 Summit. President Bush is a pretty humorous guy. Whenever someone says, "G-8” he stands up and yells, "Bingo!”
--David Letterman

June 04
Still no word on Osama bin Laden and no word on Saddam Hussein, but federal authorities may be closing in on Martha Stewart. Yes!
--Jay Leno

June 05
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
--Chinese Proverb

June 06
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
-- Will Rogers

June 09
Did you hear about Sammy Sosa? He got ejected from a game for using a corked bat. A corked bat is a hollowed out bat filled with cork, styrofoam and ground up rubber balls. It’s the same stuff they put in the hot dogs in Chicago.
-- David Letterman

June 10
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
--E. Joseph Crossman

June 11
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
-- Unknown

June 12
They say monkey pox are only fatal in 1% of the cases and they say side effects include smiling a lot and banging two symbols together.
--Jay Leno

June 13
To stop the spread of monkey pox the government has banned the sale of prairie dogs in the United States. This has upset pet stores, animal owners and New York City restaurants.
--Conan O'Brien

June 16
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
-- Doug Larson

June 17
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
--Robert X. Cringely

June 18
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
--H. L. Mencken

June 19
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
--Bertrand Russell

June 20
Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993)

June 23
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
-- Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)

June 24
A tractor-trailer carrying a load of beehives flipped over on the interstate, releasing 25 million bees into the air. Don’t worry, the bees are still stuck in traffic.
--Craig Kilborn

June 25
Since the release of the Disney movie, "Finding Nemo” there has been an increase in the sales of clown fish. What happens when the children find out the fish doesn’t talk – flushing Nemo!
--Craig Kilborn

June 26
Here’s a nice story - at a casino in Atlantic City, a 56-year-old former nun hit a $1.5 million jackpot on slots. You know when she became a former nun? When she hit the jackpot.
--Jay Leno

June 27
It was so hot today that I saw a cop chasing a mugger and they were both walking!
--David Letterman

June 30
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
--Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Friday, April 25, the 115th day of 2014. There are 250 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Never in the history of Rock Island was there such a demand for houses as at present. Our city is suffering for the want of suitable tenement houses.

1889 — 125 years ago: The choir of Central Presbyterian Church presented a ladies concert under the direction of S.T. Bowlby.

1914 — 100 years ago: Miss Rosella Benson was elected president of the Standard Bearers of Spencer Memorial Methodist Church.

1939 — 75 years ago: Mrs. Nell Clapper was elected president of the Rock Island Business and Professional Women's Club.

1964 — 50 years ago: Gerald Hickman, of Seattle, Wash, will move his family to Rock Island to assume the position of produce buyer for the Eagle Food Center chain of food stores. This announcement was made today by Bernard Weindruch, president of Eagles.

1989 — 25 years ago: Care & Share, formed in 1984 to provide food to jobless and needy Quad-Citians, will disband because the major part of a crisis created by plant closings is over. Food for the needy is still necessary. So groups separately will continue to raise money and collect food.




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