Chuckles for June 2003



June 02
Every crowd has a silver lining.
-- Phineas Taylor Barnum

June 03
President Bush is in Europe for the big G-8 Summit. President Bush is a pretty humorous guy. Whenever someone says, "G-8” he stands up and yells, "Bingo!”
--David Letterman

June 04
Still no word on Osama bin Laden and no word on Saddam Hussein, but federal authorities may be closing in on Martha Stewart. Yes!
--Jay Leno

June 05
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
--Chinese Proverb

June 06
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
-- Will Rogers

June 09
Did you hear about Sammy Sosa? He got ejected from a game for using a corked bat. A corked bat is a hollowed out bat filled with cork, styrofoam and ground up rubber balls. It’s the same stuff they put in the hot dogs in Chicago.
-- David Letterman

June 10
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
--E. Joseph Crossman

June 11
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
-- Unknown

June 12
They say monkey pox are only fatal in 1% of the cases and they say side effects include smiling a lot and banging two symbols together.
--Jay Leno

June 13
To stop the spread of monkey pox the government has banned the sale of prairie dogs in the United States. This has upset pet stores, animal owners and New York City restaurants.
--Conan O'Brien

June 16
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
-- Doug Larson

June 17
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
--Robert X. Cringely

June 18
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
--H. L. Mencken

June 19
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
--Bertrand Russell

June 20
Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993)

June 23
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
-- Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)

June 24
A tractor-trailer carrying a load of beehives flipped over on the interstate, releasing 25 million bees into the air. Don’t worry, the bees are still stuck in traffic.
--Craig Kilborn

June 25
Since the release of the Disney movie, "Finding Nemo” there has been an increase in the sales of clown fish. What happens when the children find out the fish doesn’t talk – flushing Nemo!
--Craig Kilborn

June 26
Here’s a nice story - at a casino in Atlantic City, a 56-year-old former nun hit a $1.5 million jackpot on slots. You know when she became a former nun? When she hit the jackpot.
--Jay Leno

June 27
It was so hot today that I saw a cop chasing a mugger and they were both walking!
--David Letterman

June 30
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
--Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

Back: Past Chuckles






Local events heading








  Today is Tuesday, Sept. 16, the 259th day of 2014. There are 106 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: A fine lumber mill is on the course of erection at Andalusia. A flouring mill at that location is doing a fine business.
1889 — 125 years ago: J.B. Lidders, past captain of Beardsley Camp, Sons of Veterans, returned from Paterson, N.Y., where he attended the National Sons of Veterans encampments.
1914 — 100 years ago: President Wilson announced that he had received from the imperial chancellor of Germany a noncommittal reply to his inquiry into a report that the emperor was willing to discuss terms of peace.
1939 — 75 years ago: Delegates at the Illinois Conference of the Methodist Church in Springfield voted to raise the minimum pay of ministers so that every pastor would get at least $1,000 annually.
1964 — 50 years ago: An audience of more than 2,600 persons jammed into the Davenport RKO Orpheum theater with a shoe horn feasted on a Miller-Diller evening that was a killer night. Phyllis Diller sent the audience with her offbeat humor. And send them she did! It was Miss Diller's third appearance in the Quad-Cities area.
1989 — 25 years ago: A few years ago, a vacant lot on 7th Avenue and 14th Street in Rock Island was a community nuisance. Weeds grew as high 18 inches. Today, the lot has a new face, thanks to Michael and Sheila Rind and other neighbors who helped them turn it into a park three weeks ago.





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