Chuckles for June 2003



June 02
Every crowd has a silver lining.
-- Phineas Taylor Barnum

June 03
President Bush is in Europe for the big G-8 Summit. President Bush is a pretty humorous guy. Whenever someone says, "G-8” he stands up and yells, "Bingo!”
--David Letterman

June 04
Still no word on Osama bin Laden and no word on Saddam Hussein, but federal authorities may be closing in on Martha Stewart. Yes!
--Jay Leno

June 05
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
--Chinese Proverb

June 06
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
-- Will Rogers

June 09
Did you hear about Sammy Sosa? He got ejected from a game for using a corked bat. A corked bat is a hollowed out bat filled with cork, styrofoam and ground up rubber balls. It’s the same stuff they put in the hot dogs in Chicago.
-- David Letterman

June 10
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
--E. Joseph Crossman

June 11
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
-- Unknown

June 12
They say monkey pox are only fatal in 1% of the cases and they say side effects include smiling a lot and banging two symbols together.
--Jay Leno

June 13
To stop the spread of monkey pox the government has banned the sale of prairie dogs in the United States. This has upset pet stores, animal owners and New York City restaurants.
--Conan O'Brien

June 16
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
-- Doug Larson

June 17
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
--Robert X. Cringely

June 18
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
--H. L. Mencken

June 19
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
--Bertrand Russell

June 20
Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993)

June 23
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
-- Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)

June 24
A tractor-trailer carrying a load of beehives flipped over on the interstate, releasing 25 million bees into the air. Don’t worry, the bees are still stuck in traffic.
--Craig Kilborn

June 25
Since the release of the Disney movie, "Finding Nemo” there has been an increase in the sales of clown fish. What happens when the children find out the fish doesn’t talk – flushing Nemo!
--Craig Kilborn

June 26
Here’s a nice story - at a casino in Atlantic City, a 56-year-old former nun hit a $1.5 million jackpot on slots. You know when she became a former nun? When she hit the jackpot.
--Jay Leno

June 27
It was so hot today that I saw a cop chasing a mugger and they were both walking!
--David Letterman

June 30
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
--Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Oct. 20, the 293rd day of 2014. There are 72 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The store of Devoe and Crampton was entered and robbed of about $500 worth of gold pens and pocket cutlery last night.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Michael Malloy was named president of the Tri-City Stone Cutters Union.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dewitte C. Poole, former Moline newspaperman serving as vice consul general for the United States government in Paris, declared in a letter to friends that the once gay Paris is a city of sadness and desolation.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for the construction of an $80,000 wholesale bakery at 2011 4th Ave. were announced by Harry and Nick Coin, of Rock Island. It is to be known as the Banquet Bakery.
1964 -- 50 years ago: An application has been filed for a state permit to organize a savings and loan association in Moline, it was announced. The applicants are Ben Butterworth, A.B. Lundahl, C. Richard Evans, John Harris, George Crampton and William Getz, all of Moline, Charles Roberts, Rock Island, and Charles Johnson, of Hampton.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Indian summer is quickly disappearing as temperatures slide into the 40s and 50s this week. Last week, highs were in the 80s.


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