Chuckles for June 2003
Every crowd has a silver lining.
-- Phineas Taylor Barnum
President Bush is in Europe for the big G-8 Summit. President Bush is a pretty humorous guy. Whenever someone says, "G-8” he stands up and yells, "Bingo!”
Still no word on Osama bin Laden and no word on Saddam Hussein, but federal authorities may be closing in on Martha Stewart. Yes!
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
-- Will Rogers
Did you hear about Sammy Sosa? He got ejected from a game for using a corked bat. A corked bat is a hollowed out bat filled with cork, styrofoam and ground up rubber balls. It’s the same stuff they put in the hot dogs in Chicago.
-- David Letterman
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.
--E. Joseph Crossman
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
They say monkey pox are only fatal in 1% of the cases and they say side effects include smiling a lot and banging two symbols together.
To stop the spread of monkey pox the government has banned the sale of prairie dogs in the United States. This has upset pet stores, animal owners and New York City restaurants.
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
-- Doug Larson
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
--Robert X. Cringely
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
--H. L. Mencken
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993)
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
-- Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)
A tractor-trailer carrying a load of beehives flipped over on the interstate, releasing 25 million bees into the air. Don’t worry, the bees are still stuck in traffic.
Since the release of the Disney movie, "Finding Nemo” there has been an increase in the sales of clown fish. What happens when the children find out the fish doesn’t talk – flushing Nemo!
Here’s a nice story - at a casino in Atlantic City, a 56-year-old former nun hit a $1.5 million jackpot on slots. You know when she became a former nun? When she hit the jackpot.
It was so hot today that I saw a cop chasing a mugger and they were both walking!
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
--Calvin Trillin (1935 - )
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