Chuckles for May 2003

May 05
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
Russell Baker (1925 - )

May 06
You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
-- John J. Plomp

May 07
I got caught in a dilemma today. I bought a SARS mask that was made in China.
--Jay Leno

May 08
A liar should have a good memory.
-- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

May 09
According to the latest medical report, this SARS thing is worse than previously thought. They now say SARS can live on a toilet seat for four days. You know what that means? We’re wearing these masks at the wrong end! --Jay Leno

May 12
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
Simon Cameron (1799 - 1889)

May 13
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Solomon Short

May 14
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
-- Josh Billings

May 15
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
-- Franklin P. Jones

May 16
Environmental activists are demanding that Teflon cookware carry a warning label that it is dangerous to birds because of dangerous fumes. By the time the bird is in the pan...
--Jay Leno

May 19
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

May 20
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...in another city.
-- George Burns

May 21
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.
-- Edmond de Concourt (1822 - 1896)

May 22
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran

May 23
In light of terrorism threats the government has made the airspace over Disney theme parks into no-fly zones. This is true. However, the news was a little too late for Tinkerbell who was shot down by an F-16.
-- Conan O'Brien

May 27
Because of all these meat problems, McDonald’s is now selling a soy veggie burger. It’s called the McTasteless.
--Jay Leno

May 28
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
Marquis de la Grange (1639 - 1692)

May 29
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
-- Don Marquis

May 30
Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture.
-- Jacquelyn Mitchard

Back: Past Chuckles