Chuckles for May 2003



May 05
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
Russell Baker (1925 - )

May 06
You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
-- John J. Plomp

May 07
I got caught in a dilemma today. I bought a SARS mask that was made in China.
--Jay Leno

May 08
A liar should have a good memory.
-- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

May 09
According to the latest medical report, this SARS thing is worse than previously thought. They now say SARS can live on a toilet seat for four days. You know what that means? We’re wearing these masks at the wrong end! --Jay Leno

May 12
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
Simon Cameron (1799 - 1889)

May 13
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Solomon Short

May 14
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
-- Josh Billings

May 15
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
-- Franklin P. Jones

May 16
Environmental activists are demanding that Teflon cookware carry a warning label that it is dangerous to birds because of dangerous fumes. By the time the bird is in the pan...
--Jay Leno

May 19
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

May 20
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...in another city.
-- George Burns

May 21
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.
-- Edmond de Concourt (1822 - 1896)

May 22
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran

May 23
In light of terrorism threats the government has made the airspace over Disney theme parks into no-fly zones. This is true. However, the news was a little too late for Tinkerbell who was shot down by an F-16.
-- Conan O'Brien

May 27
Because of all these meat problems, McDonald’s is now selling a soy veggie burger. It’s called the McTasteless.
--Jay Leno

May 28
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
Marquis de la Grange (1639 - 1692)

May 29
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
-- Don Marquis

May 30
Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture.
-- Jacquelyn Mitchard

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Saturday, Aug. 2, the 214th day of 2014. There are 151 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Because of the National Fast, no paper will be issued from this office tomorrow.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Attracting considerable attention is a sunflower stalk 15 feet high and still growing in the yard of Dr. C. Speidel on 23rd Street in Rock Island.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The municipal bathing beach proposition came up again at the city commission's meeting and a proposition passed, provided that a locker room be constructed at the foot of 7th Street for the accommodation of the bathers.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for erecting a $14,000 warehouse to replace the frame structure at the rear of the Augustana Book Concern were announced.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Hours for tours of the new Deere & Co. Administrative Center on John Deere Road will be changed, effective Monday.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Tuesday night at the Great Mississippi Valley Fair in Davenport the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band gave its fans more than they possibly could have expected. The band took the stage at 9:07 p.m. and didn't leave until 10:40.









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