Chuckles for May 2003



May 05
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
Russell Baker (1925 - )

May 06
You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
-- John J. Plomp

May 07
I got caught in a dilemma today. I bought a SARS mask that was made in China.
--Jay Leno

May 08
A liar should have a good memory.
-- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

May 09
According to the latest medical report, this SARS thing is worse than previously thought. They now say SARS can live on a toilet seat for four days. You know what that means? We’re wearing these masks at the wrong end! --Jay Leno

May 12
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
Simon Cameron (1799 - 1889)

May 13
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Solomon Short

May 14
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
-- Josh Billings

May 15
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
-- Franklin P. Jones

May 16
Environmental activists are demanding that Teflon cookware carry a warning label that it is dangerous to birds because of dangerous fumes. By the time the bird is in the pan...
--Jay Leno

May 19
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

May 20
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...in another city.
-- George Burns

May 21
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.
-- Edmond de Concourt (1822 - 1896)

May 22
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran

May 23
In light of terrorism threats the government has made the airspace over Disney theme parks into no-fly zones. This is true. However, the news was a little too late for Tinkerbell who was shot down by an F-16.
-- Conan O'Brien

May 27
Because of all these meat problems, McDonald’s is now selling a soy veggie burger. It’s called the McTasteless.
--Jay Leno

May 28
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
Marquis de la Grange (1639 - 1692)

May 29
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
-- Don Marquis

May 30
Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture.
-- Jacquelyn Mitchard

Back: Past Chuckles





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  Today is Sunday, April 20, the 110th day of 2014. There are 255 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The attention of contractors is called to proposals for building a magazine. The building is to be erected on the south side of the island, above the railroad, nearly opposite Sinnit's ice houses.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Ladies patent leather tip shoes were selling for $3 at the M & K store, and men's spring overcoats were advertised at $7.50.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Fred Feuchter, of Davenport, was elected president of the Tri-City Post Office Clerks club, and Joe Goldsmith, of Rock Island, was named secretary treasurer.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Mass vaccination of more than 1,600 employed of the Rock Island Arsenal has been ordered by Col. Norman Ramsey after a 13-year-old daughter of the Arsenal manager became ill with smallpox.
1964 -- 50 years ago: The 1964 Scout-O-Rama of the Sac-Fox Council of Boy Scouts closed a two-day session last evening at the Rock Island Armory with 5,000 paid attendance.
1989 -- 25 years ago: "From the horse and buggy days ... to this" said Mercer County Sheriff Marvin Thirtyacre, waving his hand to indicate the sheriff's department facilities at the new $1.5 million Mercer County Jail in Aledo.




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