Chuckles for May 2003



May 05
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
Russell Baker (1925 - )

May 06
You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
-- John J. Plomp

May 07
I got caught in a dilemma today. I bought a SARS mask that was made in China.
--Jay Leno

May 08
A liar should have a good memory.
-- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

May 09
According to the latest medical report, this SARS thing is worse than previously thought. They now say SARS can live on a toilet seat for four days. You know what that means? We’re wearing these masks at the wrong end! --Jay Leno

May 12
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
Simon Cameron (1799 - 1889)

May 13
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Solomon Short

May 14
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
-- Josh Billings

May 15
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
-- Franklin P. Jones

May 16
Environmental activists are demanding that Teflon cookware carry a warning label that it is dangerous to birds because of dangerous fumes. By the time the bird is in the pan...
--Jay Leno

May 19
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
--Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

May 20
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...in another city.
-- George Burns

May 21
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.
-- Edmond de Concourt (1822 - 1896)

May 22
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran

May 23
In light of terrorism threats the government has made the airspace over Disney theme parks into no-fly zones. This is true. However, the news was a little too late for Tinkerbell who was shot down by an F-16.
-- Conan O'Brien

May 27
Because of all these meat problems, McDonald’s is now selling a soy veggie burger. It’s called the McTasteless.
--Jay Leno

May 28
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
Marquis de la Grange (1639 - 1692)

May 29
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'
-- Don Marquis

May 30
Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture.
-- Jacquelyn Mitchard

Back: Past Chuckles






Local events heading








  Today is Tuesday, Sept 2, the 245th day of 2014. There are 120 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: It is estimated that 300,000 people attended the recent Democratic convention in Chicago when Gen. George B. McClellan of New Jersey was nominated as a candidate for president of the United States.
1889 — 125 years ago: Alderman Frank Ill, Winslow Howard and Captain J.M. Montgomery returned from Milwaukee, where they attended the national Grand Army of the Republic encampment.
1914 — 100 years ago: Three members of the Rock Island YMCA accepted positions as physical directors of other associations. Albert Cook went to Kewanee, C.D. Curtis to Canton and Willis Woods to Leavenworth, Kan.
1939 — 75 years ago: Former President Herbert Hoover appealed for national support of President F.D. Roosevelt and Congress in every effort to keep the United States out of war.
1964 — 50 years ago: The Rock Island Junior chamber pf Commerce has received answers to about 65 % of the 600 questionnaires mailed out recently in a "Community Attitude Survey" to analyze sentiments of citizens towards their city's various recreational, educational, and civic service programs.
1989 — 25 years ago: The two thunderstorms passing through the Quad Cities last night and early today left some area residents reaching for their flashlights.






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