Chuckles for February 2003



February 03
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish. (the-jokes.com)

February 04
The other night I ate at a real Family Restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

February 05
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

February 06
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 10
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

February 12
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.-- Alfred Hitchcock

February 13
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.-- Dave Barry

February 14
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.--Tommy Cooper

February 17
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'-- Ronnie Shakes

February 18
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.-- Peter De Vries

February 19
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? (www.tech-sol.net)

February 20
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. (www.tech-sol.net)

February 21
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.-- Unknown

February 24
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.-- Johnny Carson

February 25
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."-- W.C.Fields

February 26
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.-- Hobart Brown

February 27
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.-- Don Herold

February 28
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, Aug. 20, the 232nd day of 2014. There are 133 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: Quite a number of Negroes have lately been brought here by abolition offers returning from the army in violation of the laws of the state.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Miss Tillie Denkmann, of Rock Island, was making plans to accompany a Davenport family on a tour of Europe.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The German advance into Belgium was going apparently without serious check. The American ambassador at Berlin published a denial of the charge that Americans had been ill-treated in Germany.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Seventy-two members of Rock Island High School's 1939 graduating class are preparing to enter college — 34 of them at Augustana.
1964 -- 50 years ago: One of the oldest buildings in Milan, which for a number of years has housed the Milan Hotel, will be razed to make way for a modern, two-story office structure.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Some are blaming it on the sudden influx of insects and the extreme humidity. Still others say the invasion was inspired by a recent movie. But whatever the reason, the Quad-Cities is swarming with bats.




(More History)