Chuckles for February 2003



February 03
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish. (the-jokes.com)

February 04
The other night I ate at a real Family Restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

February 05
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

February 06
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 10
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

February 12
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.-- Alfred Hitchcock

February 13
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.-- Dave Barry

February 14
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.--Tommy Cooper

February 17
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'-- Ronnie Shakes

February 18
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.-- Peter De Vries

February 19
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? (www.tech-sol.net)

February 20
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. (www.tech-sol.net)

February 21
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.-- Unknown

February 24
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.-- Johnny Carson

February 25
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."-- W.C.Fields

February 26
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.-- Hobart Brown

February 27
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.-- Don Herold

February 28
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Sept. 1, the 244th day of 2014. There are 121 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We are informed by J.H. Hull that the reason the street sprinkler was not at work yesterday settling the dust on the streets, was because one of his horses was injured.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Bonnie McGregor, a fleet-footed stallion owned by S.W. Wheelock of this community, covered himself with glory at Lexington, Ky, when he ran a mile in 2:13 1/2. The horse's value was estimated as at least $50,000.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Troops are pouring into Paris to prepare for defense of the city. The German army is reported to be only 60 miles from the capital of France.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The German army has invaded Poland in undeclared warfare. Poland has appealed to Great Britain and France for aid.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Publication of a plant newspaper, the Farmall Works News, has been launched at the Rock Island IHC factory and replaces a managerial newsletter.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Officials predict Monday's Rock Island Labor Parade will be the biggest and best ever. Last minute work continues on floats and costumes for the parade, which steps off a 9:30 a.m.




(More History)