Chuckles for February 2003



February 03
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish. (the-jokes.com)

February 04
The other night I ate at a real Family Restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

February 05
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

February 06
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 10
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

February 12
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.-- Alfred Hitchcock

February 13
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.-- Dave Barry

February 14
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.--Tommy Cooper

February 17
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'-- Ronnie Shakes

February 18
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.-- Peter De Vries

February 19
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? (www.tech-sol.net)

February 20
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. (www.tech-sol.net)

February 21
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.-- Unknown

February 24
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.-- Johnny Carson

February 25
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."-- W.C.Fields

February 26
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.-- Hobart Brown

February 27
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.-- Don Herold

February 28
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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Local events heading








  Today is Thursday, April 24, the 114th day of 2014. There are 251 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We learn that it is a contemplation to start a paper mill in Rock Island during the summer by a gentleman from the East.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The gates of Oklahoma were swung open at noon today, and a throng of more than 30,000 settlers started over its soil.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The Iowa Coliseum Co. was incorporated with $40,000 capital and planned a building on 4th Street between Warren and Green streets in Davenport.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans are being discussed for resurfacing the streets in the entire downtown district of Rock Island.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Some 45 jobs will be created at J.I. Case Co.'s Rock Island plant in a expansion of operations announced yesterday afternoon at the firm's headquarters in Racine, Wis.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Gardeners and farmers cheered, but not all Quad-Citians found joy Saturday as more than an inch of rain fell on the area. Motorists faced dangerous, rain-slick roads as the water activated grease and grime that had built up during dry weather.








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