Chuckles for February 2003



February 03
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish. (the-jokes.com)

February 04
The other night I ate at a real Family Restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

February 05
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

February 06
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 07
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

February 10
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

February 12
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.-- Alfred Hitchcock

February 13
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.-- Dave Barry

February 14
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.--Tommy Cooper

February 17
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'-- Ronnie Shakes

February 18
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.-- Peter De Vries

February 19
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? (www.tech-sol.net)

February 20
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. (www.tech-sol.net)

February 21
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.-- Unknown

February 24
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.-- Johnny Carson

February 25
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."-- W.C.Fields

February 26
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.-- Hobart Brown

February 27
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.-- Don Herold

February 28
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, July 30, the 211th day of 2014. There are 154 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: After Sept. 1, every small box of matches will be required to have a 3 cent duty Lincoln stamp on it, and every large box will be one cent for every 100 matches.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Rock Island residents had contributed a total of $1,293 to the American Red Cross for the Johnstown flood relief fund.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Capt. Clark Means, new darkhorse twirler for the ARGUS staff, was in great form in his initial contest as a mound laborer. The result was that THE ARGUS trimmed the Union 6-5.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Hunter and Humprey Moody, young Decatur, Ill, brothers, lack only a few hours of establishing a new world light plane endurance record.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Gates of the 110th annual Mercer County Fair swing open tonight at Aledo for a full week of day and night activity. More that $36,000 will be paid in premiums and race purses.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The baseball field carved out of the cornfield near Dyersville, Iowa, continues to keep dreams alive for hundreds of visitors. Tourists from 26 state and France have visited Dan Lansing's farm to see the baseball diamond seen in the hit movie "Field of Dreams."






(More History)