Chuckles for December 2002

December 02
Did you all have a nice Thanksgiving? Or as the Fox Network calls it, "When relatives attack!” --Jay Leno

December 03
"The man who started Wenchell’s Donuts has past away at the age of 87. It shouldn’t be too hard to get a police escort for that one." --Jay Leno

December 04
"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."-- Arthur C. Clarke

December 05
"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it." -- Unknown

December 06
"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." Unknown

December 09
"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I

December 10
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."-- Ronald Reagan

December 11
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -- Laurence J. Peter

December 12
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. -- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

December 13
Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves. -- Rudyard Kipling

December 16
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. --Woody Allen

December 17
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark Twain

December 18
On Christmas Eve I always like to get a big fire going in the chimney and then sit back with a Kenny G CD – and toss it into the fire. --David Letterman

December 19
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Frank Zappa

December 20
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. -- Bertrand Russell

December 20
It’s been quite a week. First, Cardinal Bernard Law resigned, Al Gore said he’s not going to run for president, and some time today, they’re going to be tapping Trent Lott: "It’s your turn!" --Jay Leno

December 23
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. -- George Carlin

December 24
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.-- Dave Barry

December 26
That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.-- Henry David Thoreau

December 27
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

December 27
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

December 30
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.-- Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)

December 31
They say this first cloned human baby is a girl named Eve. They say she has blonde hair and three beautiful blue eyes. --Jay Leno

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Tuesday, July 22, the 203rd day of 2014. There are 162 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Everybody is invited to go on a moonlight excursion next Monday evening on the steamer New Boston. The trip will be from Davenport to Muscatine and back.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The mayor and bridge committee let a contract to the Clinton Bridge company for a $1,125 iron bridge across Sears canal near Milan.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Injunction proceedings to compel the Central Association to keep a baseball team in Rock Island for the remainder of the season were contemplated by some of the Rock Island fans, but they decided to defer action.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The first of the new and more powerful diesel engines built for the Rock Island Lines for the proposed Chicago-Denver run, passed thru the Tri-Cities this morning.
1964 -- 50 years ago: The Rock Island Rescue Mission is negotiating for the purchase of the Prince Hall Masonic Home located at 37th Avenue and 5th Street, Rock Island.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Quad Cities Container Terminal is being lauded as a giant business boon that will save several days and hundreds of dollars on each goods shipment to the coasts. The Quad Cities Container Terminal is the final piece of the puzzle that opens up increase access to world markets, Robert Goldstein said.

(More History)