Chuckles for December 2002

December 02
Did you all have a nice Thanksgiving? Or as the Fox Network calls it, "When relatives attack!” --Jay Leno

December 03
"The man who started Wenchell’s Donuts has past away at the age of 87. It shouldn’t be too hard to get a police escort for that one." --Jay Leno

December 04
"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."-- Arthur C. Clarke

December 05
"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it." -- Unknown

December 06
"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." Unknown

December 09
"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I

December 10
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."-- Ronald Reagan

December 11
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -- Laurence J. Peter

December 12
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. -- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

December 13
Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves. -- Rudyard Kipling

December 16
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. --Woody Allen

December 17
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark Twain

December 18
On Christmas Eve I always like to get a big fire going in the chimney and then sit back with a Kenny G CD – and toss it into the fire. --David Letterman

December 19
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Frank Zappa

December 20
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. -- Bertrand Russell

December 20
It’s been quite a week. First, Cardinal Bernard Law resigned, Al Gore said he’s not going to run for president, and some time today, they’re going to be tapping Trent Lott: "It’s your turn!" --Jay Leno

December 23
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. -- George Carlin

December 24
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.-- Dave Barry

December 26
That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.-- Henry David Thoreau

December 27
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

December 27
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

December 30
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.-- Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)

December 31
They say this first cloned human baby is a girl named Eve. They say she has blonde hair and three beautiful blue eyes. --Jay Leno

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Sunday, Aug. 31, the 243rd day of 2014. There are 122 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The Chicago and Rock Island Railroad will carry all who wish to attend the Chicago convention for half fare — that is, full fare to Chicago and return free.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Hardy Hetter, for several years yardmaster in the Burlington Railroad yards in Rock Island and Moline, was transferred to Beardstown. He was succeeded here by J.E. Albrecht.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Corn was estimated at 50 percent of the normal crop in Rock Island County by Crop Correspondent Thomas Campbell.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Robert Carroll, 12-year-old son of Mr. and Mrs. Farr Carroll, of near Aledo, won the grand championship of the Mercer County baby beef show with "Fat Stuff."
1964 -- 50 years ago: About 250 persons attended the first in a series of horse shows at the Hillandale Stables off Knoxville Road near Milan on Saturday afternoon and evening.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Ground was broken this morning for the $4.5 million Rock Valley Business Park near Rock Valley Plaza, Rock Island. The first building is 17,000 square feet for offices and a warehouse and should be completed by Dec. 1.

(More History)