Chuckles for December 2002

December 02
Did you all have a nice Thanksgiving? Or as the Fox Network calls it, "When relatives attack!” --Jay Leno

December 03
"The man who started Wenchell’s Donuts has past away at the age of 87. It shouldn’t be too hard to get a police escort for that one." --Jay Leno

December 04
"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."-- Arthur C. Clarke

December 05
"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it." -- Unknown

December 06
"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body." Unknown

December 09
"I can resist anything but temptation." -- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I

December 10
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."-- Ronald Reagan

December 11
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -- Laurence J. Peter

December 12
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. -- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

December 13
Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves. -- Rudyard Kipling

December 16
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. --Woody Allen

December 17
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark Twain

December 18
On Christmas Eve I always like to get a big fire going in the chimney and then sit back with a Kenny G CD – and toss it into the fire. --David Letterman

December 19
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Frank Zappa

December 20
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. -- Bertrand Russell

December 20
It’s been quite a week. First, Cardinal Bernard Law resigned, Al Gore said he’s not going to run for president, and some time today, they’re going to be tapping Trent Lott: "It’s your turn!" --Jay Leno

December 23
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. -- George Carlin

December 24
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.-- Dave Barry

December 26
That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.-- Henry David Thoreau

December 27
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

December 27
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

December 30
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.-- Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)

December 31
They say this first cloned human baby is a girl named Eve. They say she has blonde hair and three beautiful blue eyes. --Jay Leno

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Monday, Oct. 20, the 293rd day of 2014. There are 72 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The store of Devoe and Crampton was entered and robbed of about $500 worth of gold pens and pocket cutlery last night.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Michael Malloy was named president of the Tri-City Stone Cutters Union.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dewitte C. Poole, former Moline newspaperman serving as vice consul general for the United States government in Paris, declared in a letter to friends that the once gay Paris is a city of sadness and desolation.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for the construction of an $80,000 wholesale bakery at 2011 4th Ave. were announced by Harry and Nick Coin, of Rock Island. It is to be known as the Banquet Bakery.
1964 -- 50 years ago: An application has been filed for a state permit to organize a savings and loan association in Moline, it was announced. The applicants are Ben Butterworth, A.B. Lundahl, C. Richard Evans, John Harris, George Crampton and William Getz, all of Moline, Charles Roberts, Rock Island, and Charles Johnson, of Hampton.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Indian summer is quickly disappearing as temperatures slide into the 40s and 50s this week. Last week, highs were in the 80s.

(More History)