Chuckles for November 2002

November 01
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks." -- Totie Fields

November 04
"The FBI has apprehended most of the immigrants and they’ll probably be deported. There are three things you must have to stay here if you’re a Haitian – a fastball, a curveball and a slider." --Jay Leno

November 05
Halloween has changed. Don’t you remember when they had big candy bars? Now it’s these small things, yesterday someone gave me a "One Musketeer” bar.--Jay Leno

November 06
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." -- Mickey Mantle

November 07
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." -- George Burns

November 08
"Jeb Bush won in Florida, elected to another term as Governor. He said he’d fix those voting machines, looks like he did a hell of a job." --Jay Leno

November 11
"Voters in Nevada voted no to legalize marijuana. It failed because the supporters of the measure showed up to vote today." --Jay Leno

November 12
"Due to low profits McDonald’s has announced that they are closing in 175 locations. In a related story Clearasil has laid off 175 employees." --Conan O'Brien

November 13
"If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect." --Ted Turner

November 14
"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces." -- Maureen Murphy

November 15
"It’s that time of the year again. A 76-foot spruce from Northern New Jersey has been sent to Rockefeller Center to be the city’s Christmas tree. Nothing like the destruction of a 200-year-old piece of nature to celebrate the holiday spirit!" --David Letterman

November 18
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in, so long as it is a language I don't understand. -- Sir Edward Appleton

November 19
Yesterday congress voted to give itself a raise! (boos) And why not? Sure, the country is on a terror alert, we’re on the brink of war, and the economy is in the dumper. Good job fellas! --Jay Leno

November 20
"Never eat more than you can lift." -- Miss Piggy

November 21
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. -- Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

November 22
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. -- Daniel J. Boorstin

November 25
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. -- Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman

November 26
"Earlier today, Michael’s 8-month old son said his first word – Help!" (Jay Leno)

November 29
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." -- Jack Benny (1894 - 1974)

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Tuesday, Sept 2, the 245th day of 2014. There are 120 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: It is estimated that 300,000 people attended the recent Democratic convention in Chicago when Gen. George B. McClellan of New Jersey was nominated as a candidate for president of the United States.
1889 — 125 years ago: Alderman Frank Ill, Winslow Howard and Captain J.M. Montgomery returned from Milwaukee, where they attended the national Grand Army of the Republic encampment.
1914 — 100 years ago: Three members of the Rock Island YMCA accepted positions as physical directors of other associations. Albert Cook went to Kewanee, C.D. Curtis to Canton and Willis Woods to Leavenworth, Kan.
1939 — 75 years ago: Former President Herbert Hoover appealed for national support of President F.D. Roosevelt and Congress in every effort to keep the United States out of war.
1964 — 50 years ago: The Rock Island Junior chamber pf Commerce has received answers to about 65 % of the 600 questionnaires mailed out recently in a "Community Attitude Survey" to analyze sentiments of citizens towards their city's various recreational, educational, and civic service programs.
1989 — 25 years ago: The two thunderstorms passing through the Quad Cities last night and early today left some area residents reaching for their flashlights.

(More History)