Chuckles for November 2002

November 01
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks." -- Totie Fields

November 04
"The FBI has apprehended most of the immigrants and they’ll probably be deported. There are three things you must have to stay here if you’re a Haitian – a fastball, a curveball and a slider." --Jay Leno

November 05
Halloween has changed. Don’t you remember when they had big candy bars? Now it’s these small things, yesterday someone gave me a "One Musketeer” bar.--Jay Leno

November 06
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." -- Mickey Mantle

November 07
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." -- George Burns

November 08
"Jeb Bush won in Florida, elected to another term as Governor. He said he’d fix those voting machines, looks like he did a hell of a job." --Jay Leno

November 11
"Voters in Nevada voted no to legalize marijuana. It failed because the supporters of the measure showed up to vote today." --Jay Leno

November 12
"Due to low profits McDonald’s has announced that they are closing in 175 locations. In a related story Clearasil has laid off 175 employees." --Conan O'Brien

November 13
"If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect." --Ted Turner

November 14
"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces." -- Maureen Murphy

November 15
"It’s that time of the year again. A 76-foot spruce from Northern New Jersey has been sent to Rockefeller Center to be the city’s Christmas tree. Nothing like the destruction of a 200-year-old piece of nature to celebrate the holiday spirit!" --David Letterman

November 18
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in, so long as it is a language I don't understand. -- Sir Edward Appleton

November 19
Yesterday congress voted to give itself a raise! (boos) And why not? Sure, the country is on a terror alert, we’re on the brink of war, and the economy is in the dumper. Good job fellas! --Jay Leno

November 20
"Never eat more than you can lift." -- Miss Piggy

November 21
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. -- Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

November 22
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. -- Daniel J. Boorstin

November 25
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. -- Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman

November 26
"Earlier today, Michael’s 8-month old son said his first word – Help!" (Jay Leno)

November 29
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." -- Jack Benny (1894 - 1974)

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