Chuckles for November 2002

November 01
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks." -- Totie Fields

November 04
"The FBI has apprehended most of the immigrants and they’ll probably be deported. There are three things you must have to stay here if you’re a Haitian – a fastball, a curveball and a slider." --Jay Leno

November 05
Halloween has changed. Don’t you remember when they had big candy bars? Now it’s these small things, yesterday someone gave me a "One Musketeer” bar.--Jay Leno

November 06
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." -- Mickey Mantle

November 07
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." -- George Burns

November 08
"Jeb Bush won in Florida, elected to another term as Governor. He said he’d fix those voting machines, looks like he did a hell of a job." --Jay Leno

November 11
"Voters in Nevada voted no to legalize marijuana. It failed because the supporters of the measure showed up to vote today." --Jay Leno

November 12
"Due to low profits McDonald’s has announced that they are closing in 175 locations. In a related story Clearasil has laid off 175 employees." --Conan O'Brien

November 13
"If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect." --Ted Turner

November 14
"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces." -- Maureen Murphy

November 15
"It’s that time of the year again. A 76-foot spruce from Northern New Jersey has been sent to Rockefeller Center to be the city’s Christmas tree. Nothing like the destruction of a 200-year-old piece of nature to celebrate the holiday spirit!" --David Letterman

November 18
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in, so long as it is a language I don't understand. -- Sir Edward Appleton

November 19
Yesterday congress voted to give itself a raise! (boos) And why not? Sure, the country is on a terror alert, we’re on the brink of war, and the economy is in the dumper. Good job fellas! --Jay Leno

November 20
"Never eat more than you can lift." -- Miss Piggy

November 21
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. -- Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

November 22
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. -- Daniel J. Boorstin

November 25
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. -- Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman

November 26
"Earlier today, Michael’s 8-month old son said his first word – Help!" (Jay Leno)

November 29
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." -- Jack Benny (1894 - 1974)

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Saturday, Aug. 2, the 214th day of 2014. There are 151 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Because of the National Fast, no paper will be issued from this office tomorrow.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Attracting considerable attention is a sunflower stalk 15 feet high and still growing in the yard of Dr. C. Speidel on 23rd Street in Rock Island.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The municipal bathing beach proposition came up again at the city commission's meeting and a proposition passed, provided that a locker room be constructed at the foot of 7th Street for the accommodation of the bathers.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for erecting a $14,000 warehouse to replace the frame structure at the rear of the Augustana Book Concern were announced.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Hours for tours of the new Deere & Co. Administrative Center on John Deere Road will be changed, effective Monday.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Tuesday night at the Great Mississippi Valley Fair in Davenport the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band gave its fans more than they possibly could have expected. The band took the stage at 9:07 p.m. and didn't leave until 10:40.

(More History)