Chuckles for October 2002



October 01
"Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught." -- Sir Winston Churchill

October 02
"More trouble for Martha Stewart. Her assistant accountant has agreed to testify against her. The testimony is expected to be pretty shocking – he's going to say that Martha uses instant gravy." --Conan O'Brien

October 03
"I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch." --Rodney Dangerfield

October 04
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." -- Kin Hubbard

October 07
What do fishermen say on Halloween? "Trick-or-trout!" --www.kidsjokes.co.uk

October 08
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." -- Jerry Seinfeld

October 09
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."-- Lily Tomlin

October 10
First old man: "You want to go for a walk?" Second old man: "Isn't it windy?" First old man: "No, it's Thursday." Second old man: "Me, too. Let's go get a soda."

October 11
"Seventy percent of Americans don't get enough exercise. Can you believe that! When I heard that, I about fell out of the chair I was sitting in." --Jay Leno

October 14
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." -- Leo J. Burke

October 15
"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness." -- James Thurber

October 16
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason

October 17
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -- Charles M. Schulz

October 18
"Folks, it has happened again. But a pilot was removed from a Continental Airlines jet in Houston today right before it took off because he was drunk. Here's how drunk he was - He was a Delta Pilot!" --Jay Leno

October 18
"Folks, it has happened again. A pilot was removed from a Continental Airlines jet in Houston today right before it took off because he was drunk. Here's how drunk he was - He was a Delta Pilot!" --Jay Leno

October 21
"In a study it was found that 90% of people lie in job interviews. 90%! The other 10% don’t get the job." --Craig Kilborn

October 22
"Today down in Houston they had an auction of all Enron assets. Lots of good deals – I picked up two senators and a congressman." --Jay Leno

October 23
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -- Lucille Ball

October 24
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -- Ronald Reagan

October 25
"A new study has found that American children are more obese then they used to be. The good news – our kids are still the best damn video game players in the world!" --Jay Leno

October 28
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -- Thomas A. Edison

October 29
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." -- Evelyn Waugh

October 30
"In a nationwide study it was found that students between the ages of 17 and 20 score the lowest on tests than any other age group. In a related story - "Jackass" is the number one movie in the country!" --Craig Kilborn

October 31
"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." -- Abraham Lincoln, in a book review

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Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, April 16, the 106th day of 2014. There are 259 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: Yesterday some bold thief stole a full bolt of calico from a box in front of Wadsworth's store, where it was on exhibition.
1889 -- 125 years ago: A team belonging to Peter Priese got away from its driver and made a mad run across the Rock Island Bridge. The driver was thrown from his seat but not hurt.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Carlton Taylor was appointed district deputy grand master for the 14th
Masonic District of Illinois.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Moline's million dollar municipal airport was dedicated to air transportation and the national defense by Lt. Gov. John Stelle.
1964 -- 50 years ago: THE ARGUS will be election headquarters for Rock Island County tomorrow night, and the public is invited to watch the operation. The closing of the polls at 6 p.m. will mark the start of open house in the newsroom. Visitors will see staff members receiving, tabulating and posting returns.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Few bricks actually tumbled, but no one seemed to mind as about 1,000 people gathered to celebrate the formal start of demolition at the site of a downtown civic center.




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