Chuckles for October 2002



October 01
"Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught." -- Sir Winston Churchill

October 02
"More trouble for Martha Stewart. Her assistant accountant has agreed to testify against her. The testimony is expected to be pretty shocking – he's going to say that Martha uses instant gravy." --Conan O'Brien

October 03
"I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch." --Rodney Dangerfield

October 04
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." -- Kin Hubbard

October 07
What do fishermen say on Halloween? "Trick-or-trout!" --www.kidsjokes.co.uk

October 08
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." -- Jerry Seinfeld

October 09
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."-- Lily Tomlin

October 10
First old man: "You want to go for a walk?" Second old man: "Isn't it windy?" First old man: "No, it's Thursday." Second old man: "Me, too. Let's go get a soda."

October 11
"Seventy percent of Americans don't get enough exercise. Can you believe that! When I heard that, I about fell out of the chair I was sitting in." --Jay Leno

October 14
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." -- Leo J. Burke

October 15
"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness." -- James Thurber

October 16
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason

October 17
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -- Charles M. Schulz

October 18
"Folks, it has happened again. But a pilot was removed from a Continental Airlines jet in Houston today right before it took off because he was drunk. Here's how drunk he was - He was a Delta Pilot!" --Jay Leno

October 18
"Folks, it has happened again. A pilot was removed from a Continental Airlines jet in Houston today right before it took off because he was drunk. Here's how drunk he was - He was a Delta Pilot!" --Jay Leno

October 21
"In a study it was found that 90% of people lie in job interviews. 90%! The other 10% don’t get the job." --Craig Kilborn

October 22
"Today down in Houston they had an auction of all Enron assets. Lots of good deals – I picked up two senators and a congressman." --Jay Leno

October 23
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -- Lucille Ball

October 24
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -- Ronald Reagan

October 25
"A new study has found that American children are more obese then they used to be. The good news – our kids are still the best damn video game players in the world!" --Jay Leno

October 28
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -- Thomas A. Edison

October 29
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." -- Evelyn Waugh

October 30
"In a nationwide study it was found that students between the ages of 17 and 20 score the lowest on tests than any other age group. In a related story - "Jackass" is the number one movie in the country!" --Craig Kilborn

October 31
"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." -- Abraham Lincoln, in a book review

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Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Sept. 1, the 244th day of 2014. There are 121 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We are informed by J.H. Hull that the reason the street sprinkler was not at work yesterday settling the dust on the streets, was because one of his horses was injured.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Bonnie McGregor, a fleet-footed stallion owned by S.W. Wheelock of this community, covered himself with glory at Lexington, Ky, when he ran a mile in 2:13 1/2. The horse's value was estimated as at least $50,000.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Troops are pouring into Paris to prepare for defense of the city. The German army is reported to be only 60 miles from the capital of France.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The German army has invaded Poland in undeclared warfare. Poland has appealed to Great Britain and France for aid.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Publication of a plant newspaper, the Farmall Works News, has been launched at the Rock Island IHC factory and replaces a managerial newsletter.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Officials predict Monday's Rock Island Labor Parade will be the biggest and best ever. Last minute work continues on floats and costumes for the parade, which steps off a 9:30 a.m.




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