Chuckles for October 2002



October 01
"Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught." -- Sir Winston Churchill

October 02
"More trouble for Martha Stewart. Her assistant accountant has agreed to testify against her. The testimony is expected to be pretty shocking – he's going to say that Martha uses instant gravy." --Conan O'Brien

October 03
"I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch." --Rodney Dangerfield

October 04
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." -- Kin Hubbard

October 07
What do fishermen say on Halloween? "Trick-or-trout!" --www.kidsjokes.co.uk

October 08
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." -- Jerry Seinfeld

October 09
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."-- Lily Tomlin

October 10
First old man: "You want to go for a walk?" Second old man: "Isn't it windy?" First old man: "No, it's Thursday." Second old man: "Me, too. Let's go get a soda."

October 11
"Seventy percent of Americans don't get enough exercise. Can you believe that! When I heard that, I about fell out of the chair I was sitting in." --Jay Leno

October 14
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." -- Leo J. Burke

October 15
"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness." -- James Thurber

October 16
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason

October 17
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -- Charles M. Schulz

October 18
"Folks, it has happened again. But a pilot was removed from a Continental Airlines jet in Houston today right before it took off because he was drunk. Here's how drunk he was - He was a Delta Pilot!" --Jay Leno

October 18
"Folks, it has happened again. A pilot was removed from a Continental Airlines jet in Houston today right before it took off because he was drunk. Here's how drunk he was - He was a Delta Pilot!" --Jay Leno

October 21
"In a study it was found that 90% of people lie in job interviews. 90%! The other 10% don’t get the job." --Craig Kilborn

October 22
"Today down in Houston they had an auction of all Enron assets. Lots of good deals – I picked up two senators and a congressman." --Jay Leno

October 23
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -- Lucille Ball

October 24
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -- Ronald Reagan

October 25
"A new study has found that American children are more obese then they used to be. The good news – our kids are still the best damn video game players in the world!" --Jay Leno

October 28
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -- Thomas A. Edison

October 29
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." -- Evelyn Waugh

October 30
"In a nationwide study it was found that students between the ages of 17 and 20 score the lowest on tests than any other age group. In a related story - "Jackass" is the number one movie in the country!" --Craig Kilborn

October 31
"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." -- Abraham Lincoln, in a book review

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Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, Sept. 17, the 260th day of 2014. There are 105 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: We are told league merchants have paid no attention to the prohibition on selling ammunition, but continue to sell just as before the order was issued.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The Rev. R.F. Sweet, rector of Trinity Episcopal Parish, left for the East to visit his boyhood home in Boston before attending the general convention of the Episcopal Church in New York.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dr. E.A. Anderson was named to succeed Dr. E.L. Kerns as head physician of the Modern Woodmen of America, and moved to Rock Island from Holdingford, Minn.
1939 -- 75 years ago: One week late, because of the outbreak of war, Dr. E.L. Beyer resumed his work as professor of romance languages at Augustana College. Dr. and Mrs. Beyer left Germany on the last train to the Belgian border.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Employees in Turnstyle stores in Moline and Davenport will vote Oct. 2 in an election set up by the Chicago regional office of the National Labor Relations Board. Employees will vote either for the Retail Clerk International or for no union.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Rock Island High School is considering a step to help teen moms stay in school and get their diploma. The school board is expected to vote tonight on instituting an on-site child care center.




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