Chuckles for August 2002



August 01
President Bush talked to all the miners. I think he was a little confused, though. He congratulated the rescue teams and told the miners he'd like to take them out for a beer, but he could't because they are "minors." --Jay Leno

August 02
"If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun." -- Benjamin Franklin

August 05
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." -- Henry Kissinger

August 06
"Did you see Wall Street "Week In Review" this week? It looks more like "Cops" now." --Jay Leno

August 07
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." --Will Rogers

August 08
"The Justice Department is investigating the accounting practices of AOL. AOL has now changed their online greeting from "You've got mail!" to "We're going to jail!" --Jay Leno

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 12
You know you are a teacher if.....You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." --jokesgalore.com

August 13
"A scientist in England now claims that he grew new teeth in humans. You know what this means the cast of "60 Minutes" can do their jobs for another 30 years." --Jay Leno

August 14
"Scientists now say that the sun is a billion years older than what it appears. Hey, now you know what happens when you get too much sun." --Craig Kilborn

August 15
"Never fight an inanimate object."-- P. J. O'Rourke

August 16
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." -- Calvin Coolidge

August 19
"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience." --John Updike

August 20
""Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical." --Yogi Berra

August 21
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."--Rita Rudner

August 22
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."--John F. Kennedy

August 23
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary

August 26
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg

August 27
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry." -- George Ade

August 28
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it."-- Dudley Moore

August 29
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -- Dave Edison.

August 30
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." -- Jay Leno

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of 2014. There are 153 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: A corps of surgeons now occupies the new hospital quarters at the Garrison Hospital on the Rock Island Arsenal. A fence has been installed to enclose the prison hospital.
1889 -- 125 years ago: B. Winter has let a contract to Christ Schreiner for a two story brick building with a double store front on the south side of 3rd Avenue just west of 17th Street. The estimated cost was $4,500.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Germany sent simultaneous ultimatums to Russia and France, demanding that Russia suspend mobilization within 12 hours and demanding that France inform Germany within 18 hours. In the case of war between Germany and Russia, France would remain neutral.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Civil service offices at the post office and the Rock Island Arsenal were swamped as more than 700 youths sought 15 machinist apprenticeships at the Arsenal.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Last night, American Legion Post 246 in Moline figuratively handed over the trousers to a female ex-Marine and petticoat rule began. Olga Swanson, of Moline, was installed as the first woman commander of the post .
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Illinois Quad City Civic Center captured the excitement and interest of a convention of auditorium managers this weekend in Reno, Nev. Bill Adams, civic center authority chairman, said the 10,000-seat arena planned for downtown Moline has caught the eye of construction firms, suppliers, management teams and concession groups.








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