Chuckles for August 2002



August 01
President Bush talked to all the miners. I think he was a little confused, though. He congratulated the rescue teams and told the miners he'd like to take them out for a beer, but he could't because they are "minors." --Jay Leno

August 02
"If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun." -- Benjamin Franklin

August 05
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." -- Henry Kissinger

August 06
"Did you see Wall Street "Week In Review" this week? It looks more like "Cops" now." --Jay Leno

August 07
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." --Will Rogers

August 08
"The Justice Department is investigating the accounting practices of AOL. AOL has now changed their online greeting from "You've got mail!" to "We're going to jail!" --Jay Leno

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 12
You know you are a teacher if.....You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." --jokesgalore.com

August 13
"A scientist in England now claims that he grew new teeth in humans. You know what this means the cast of "60 Minutes" can do their jobs for another 30 years." --Jay Leno

August 14
"Scientists now say that the sun is a billion years older than what it appears. Hey, now you know what happens when you get too much sun." --Craig Kilborn

August 15
"Never fight an inanimate object."-- P. J. O'Rourke

August 16
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." -- Calvin Coolidge

August 19
"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience." --John Updike

August 20
""Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical." --Yogi Berra

August 21
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."--Rita Rudner

August 22
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."--John F. Kennedy

August 23
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary

August 26
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg

August 27
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry." -- George Ade

August 28
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it."-- Dudley Moore

August 29
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -- Dave Edison.

August 30
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." -- Jay Leno

Back: Past Chuckles





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  Today is Thursday, Oct. 2, the 275th day of 2014. There are 90 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The ladies have adopted the fashion of wearing representations of insects in the flowers on their bonnets. Some look very natural.
1889 -- 125 years ago: T.F. Cary, former Rock Island alderman, has accepted a position as salesman for a Chicago wallpaper house and plans to move to that city.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Work on the new telephone building on 18th Street between 6th and 7th avenues is progressing rapidly.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Rock Island's new theater at 3rd Avenue and 19th Street will have a name significant of its location. The "Rocket" is scheduled to open Thanksgiving Day.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Two of Rock Island's newest water towers were vandalized last night, including the one at 38th Street and 31st Avenue, where police took five Moline boys into custody about 9 p.m..
1989 -- 25 years ago: Some of us who live in the Quad-Cities take the Mississippi River for granted, or at least we used to. But the river is not taken for granted by our visitors. And most Quad-Citians are realizing the importance of the river to this area as increased emphasis is placed on tourism.







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