Chuckles for August 2002



August 01
President Bush talked to all the miners. I think he was a little confused, though. He congratulated the rescue teams and told the miners he'd like to take them out for a beer, but he could't because they are "minors." --Jay Leno

August 02
"If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun." -- Benjamin Franklin

August 05
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." -- Henry Kissinger

August 06
"Did you see Wall Street "Week In Review" this week? It looks more like "Cops" now." --Jay Leno

August 07
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." --Will Rogers

August 08
"The Justice Department is investigating the accounting practices of AOL. AOL has now changed their online greeting from "You've got mail!" to "We're going to jail!" --Jay Leno

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 12
You know you are a teacher if.....You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." --jokesgalore.com

August 13
"A scientist in England now claims that he grew new teeth in humans. You know what this means the cast of "60 Minutes" can do their jobs for another 30 years." --Jay Leno

August 14
"Scientists now say that the sun is a billion years older than what it appears. Hey, now you know what happens when you get too much sun." --Craig Kilborn

August 15
"Never fight an inanimate object."-- P. J. O'Rourke

August 16
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." -- Calvin Coolidge

August 19
"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience." --John Updike

August 20
""Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical." --Yogi Berra

August 21
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."--Rita Rudner

August 22
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."--John F. Kennedy

August 23
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary

August 26
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg

August 27
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry." -- George Ade

August 28
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it."-- Dudley Moore

August 29
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -- Dave Edison.

August 30
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." -- Jay Leno

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Oct. 20, the 293rd day of 2014. There are 72 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The store of Devoe and Crampton was entered and robbed of about $500 worth of gold pens and pocket cutlery last night.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Michael Malloy was named president of the Tri-City Stone Cutters Union.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dewitte C. Poole, former Moline newspaperman serving as vice consul general for the United States government in Paris, declared in a letter to friends that the once gay Paris is a city of sadness and desolation.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for the construction of an $80,000 wholesale bakery at 2011 4th Ave. were announced by Harry and Nick Coin, of Rock Island. It is to be known as the Banquet Bakery.
1964 -- 50 years ago: An application has been filed for a state permit to organize a savings and loan association in Moline, it was announced. The applicants are Ben Butterworth, A.B. Lundahl, C. Richard Evans, John Harris, George Crampton and William Getz, all of Moline, Charles Roberts, Rock Island, and Charles Johnson, of Hampton.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Indian summer is quickly disappearing as temperatures slide into the 40s and 50s this week. Last week, highs were in the 80s.


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