Chuckles for August 2002



August 01
President Bush talked to all the miners. I think he was a little confused, though. He congratulated the rescue teams and told the miners he'd like to take them out for a beer, but he could't because they are "minors." --Jay Leno

August 02
"If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun." -- Benjamin Franklin

August 05
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." -- Henry Kissinger

August 06
"Did you see Wall Street "Week In Review" this week? It looks more like "Cops" now." --Jay Leno

August 07
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." --Will Rogers

August 08
"The Justice Department is investigating the accounting practices of AOL. AOL has now changed their online greeting from "You've got mail!" to "We're going to jail!" --Jay Leno

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 09
"President Bush has passed his annual physical. Doctors say he has the body of a 20-year-old and the mind of an 8-year-old." -- Conan O'Brien

August 12
You know you are a teacher if.....You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." --jokesgalore.com

August 13
"A scientist in England now claims that he grew new teeth in humans. You know what this means the cast of "60 Minutes" can do their jobs for another 30 years." --Jay Leno

August 14
"Scientists now say that the sun is a billion years older than what it appears. Hey, now you know what happens when you get too much sun." --Craig Kilborn

August 15
"Never fight an inanimate object."-- P. J. O'Rourke

August 16
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." -- Calvin Coolidge

August 19
"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience." --John Updike

August 20
""Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical." --Yogi Berra

August 21
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."--Rita Rudner

August 22
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."--John F. Kennedy

August 23
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary

August 26
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg

August 27
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry." -- George Ade

August 28
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it."-- Dudley Moore

August 29
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -- Dave Edison.

August 30
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." -- Jay Leno

Back: Past Chuckles






Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, Sept. 17, the 260th day of 2014. There are 105 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: We are told league merchants have paid no attention to the prohibition on selling ammunition, but continue to sell just as before the order was issued.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The Rev. R.F. Sweet, rector of Trinity Episcopal Parish, left for the East to visit his boyhood home in Boston before attending the general convention of the Episcopal Church in New York.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dr. E.A. Anderson was named to succeed Dr. E.L. Kerns as head physician of the Modern Woodmen of America, and moved to Rock Island from Holdingford, Minn.
1939 -- 75 years ago: One week late, because of the outbreak of war, Dr. E.L. Beyer resumed his work as professor of romance languages at Augustana College. Dr. and Mrs. Beyer left Germany on the last train to the Belgian border.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Employees in Turnstyle stores in Moline and Davenport will vote Oct. 2 in an election set up by the Chicago regional office of the National Labor Relations Board. Employees will vote either for the Retail Clerk International or for no union.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Rock Island High School is considering a step to help teen moms stay in school and get their diploma. The school board is expected to vote tonight on instituting an on-site child care center.




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