Chuckles for July 2002

July 01
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

July 02
A man goes to his doctor. 'If I see someone riding a bike when I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Do you think I'm mad?' The doctor thinks for a moment, then says; 'No, you're just a cycle path.'

July 03
The future will be better tomorrow.--- Dan Quayle

July 05
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with

July 08
What did the carpenter go to the doctor ? He had a saw hand!--

July 09
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? (

July 09
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? (

July 10
Open House! Body Shapers Toning Salon Free Coffee & Donuts (

July 11
Drive-In banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. (E. Joseph Cossman)

July 12
"The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to "cook the books." Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to "saute" the books." —Conan O'Brien

July 15
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

July 16
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." --Robert Orben

July 17
"I went to a new 99-cent store today – Wall Street!" --Jay Leno

July 18
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped up and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's very important to learn a second language." --

July 19
"Alan Greenspan, bless his heart, held a press conference yesterday. He said that the economy is picking up momentum – you see, that's what happens when it goes downhill. It just keeps rolling and rolling." --Jay Leno

July 22
"Experts are saying there is a new chapter being written about the stock market – yeah, Chapter 11!" --Jay Leno

July 23
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle

July 24
Regarding Stock Market: "I love these experts on TV. They keep saying that this is just a paper loss. Too bad paper is what money is printed on." -- Jay Leno

July 25
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated! (

July 26
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it "The Road To Extradition." --Conan O'Brien

July 29
"The drunk America West pilots were in court today – they paid for their lawyers by cashing in their empties!" -- Craig Kilborn

July 30
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

July 31
I tried working in a muffler factory but the work was too exhausting.

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Monday, Oct. 20, the 293rd day of 2014. There are 72 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The store of Devoe and Crampton was entered and robbed of about $500 worth of gold pens and pocket cutlery last night.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Michael Malloy was named president of the Tri-City Stone Cutters Union.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dewitte C. Poole, former Moline newspaperman serving as vice consul general for the United States government in Paris, declared in a letter to friends that the once gay Paris is a city of sadness and desolation.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans for the construction of an $80,000 wholesale bakery at 2011 4th Ave. were announced by Harry and Nick Coin, of Rock Island. It is to be known as the Banquet Bakery.
1964 -- 50 years ago: An application has been filed for a state permit to organize a savings and loan association in Moline, it was announced. The applicants are Ben Butterworth, A.B. Lundahl, C. Richard Evans, John Harris, George Crampton and William Getz, all of Moline, Charles Roberts, Rock Island, and Charles Johnson, of Hampton.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Indian summer is quickly disappearing as temperatures slide into the 40s and 50s this week. Last week, highs were in the 80s.

(More History)