Chuckles for July 2002

July 01
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

July 02
A man goes to his doctor. 'If I see someone riding a bike when I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Do you think I'm mad?' The doctor thinks for a moment, then says; 'No, you're just a cycle path.'

July 03
The future will be better tomorrow.--- Dan Quayle

July 05
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with

July 08
What did the carpenter go to the doctor ? He had a saw hand!--

July 09
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? (

July 09
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? (

July 10
Open House! Body Shapers Toning Salon Free Coffee & Donuts (

July 11
Drive-In banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. (E. Joseph Cossman)

July 12
"The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to "cook the books." Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to "saute" the books." —Conan O'Brien

July 15
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

July 16
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." --Robert Orben

July 17
"I went to a new 99-cent store today – Wall Street!" --Jay Leno

July 18
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped up and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's very important to learn a second language." --

July 19
"Alan Greenspan, bless his heart, held a press conference yesterday. He said that the economy is picking up momentum – you see, that's what happens when it goes downhill. It just keeps rolling and rolling." --Jay Leno

July 22
"Experts are saying there is a new chapter being written about the stock market – yeah, Chapter 11!" --Jay Leno

July 23
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle

July 24
Regarding Stock Market: "I love these experts on TV. They keep saying that this is just a paper loss. Too bad paper is what money is printed on." -- Jay Leno

July 25
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated! (

July 26
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it "The Road To Extradition." --Conan O'Brien

July 29
"The drunk America West pilots were in court today – they paid for their lawyers by cashing in their empties!" -- Craig Kilborn

July 30
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

July 31
I tried working in a muffler factory but the work was too exhausting.

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Saturday, April 19, the 109th day of 2014. There are 256 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Miss McCorkindale has opened millinery rooms over Gimbel's dry goods store, where she offers a choice lot of millinery goods, which she will manufacture to order.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The little South Park Presbyterian chapel celebrated it first Easter decorated with flowers for an afternoon worship service attended by a large congregation.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The Wennerberg Chorus of Augustana College has returned from a 2,000-mile tour in the Eastern states and Illinois.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Col. Charles Lindbergh has stated that he is convinced that Germany's air force is equal to the combined sky fleets of her potential European foes.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Small gas motors may be permitted on boats in the lake to be built in Loud Thunder Forest Preserve. The prospect was discussed yesterday at a meeting of the Rock Island County Forest Preserve Commission.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The annual Dispatch/Rock Island Argus Spelling Bee continues to be a family tradition. Ed Lee, an eighth-grader at John Deere Junior High School, Moline, is the 1989 spelling bee champion from among 49 top spellers in Rock Island, Henry and Mercer counties. He advances to the competition in Washington, D.C. Runnerup was Ed's sister, Susan.

(More History)