Chuckles for May 2002

May 01
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.-- Graffito

May 02
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. --Charles Gordy

May 03
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. August Strindberg

May 06
"By the time we've made it, we've had it." --Malcolm Forbes

May 07
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush

May 08
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown

May 09
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch! ---W. C. Fields (1890 - 1946)

May 10
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx

May 13
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim". --Lyndon B. Johnson

May 14
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." -- Cary Grant

May 15
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." --Mark Twain

May 16
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." -- Mark Twain

May 17
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.-- Unknown

May 20
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.-- Unknown

May 21
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.-- Lily Tomlin

May 22
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. -- Unknown

May 23
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.-- Mark Twain

May 24
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. -- Unknown

May 28
"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it." -- Harry S. Truman

May 29
Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.-- Unknown

May 30
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

May 31
Spare no expense to save money on this one.-- Samuel Goldwyn

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Thursday, April 17, the 107th day of 2014. There are 258 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Journeymen shoemakers of Rock Island struck for higher wages yesterday morning, asking 25 percent increases. Employers have acceded to their demand.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Lighting struck wires of the Merchants Electric Light Co. during a furious storm, and many Rock Island business houses were compelled to resort to gas as a means of illumination.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Members of the First Church of Christ, Scientist, decided to erect a new edifice at a cost of about $60,000.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Willard Anderson, junior forward for the Augustana College basketball team, which won 17 out of 22 contests, was elected captain of the quintet.
1964 -- 50 years ago: John Hoffman, Moline, president of the Sac-Fox Council of Boy Scouts, will be honored for his 50 years in scouting by members of the council at a dinner Thursday evening.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Quad-Cities has what is believed to be the area's first elite-class gymnast. It's the stuff upon which Olympic competitors are made. Tiffany Chapman, of Rock Island, not only has earned the highest possible gymnast ranking, she won the honor at age 11.

(More History)