Chuckles for April 2002

April 01
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.(

April 04
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry.(

April 05
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. (

April 08
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. - - -George Burns

April 09
Some people grin and bear it; others smile and do it. --Anonymous

April 10
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

April 11
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!

April 12
Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife: "What? At 2 AM?!" Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."

April 15
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax!" -- Albert Einstein

April 16
People who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music. -George Carlin

April 17
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with!

April 18
Vital Thing To Know About Taking A Bath: The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave. (

April 19
Why I don't have my homework?? I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school. (

April 22
Historians have found the first treaty the U. S. government ever signed with the Indians. It states that the Indians can keep their lands "for as long as the river runs clear, the buffalo roam, the grass grows tall and the mountains stand proud -- or ninety days -- whichever comes first.

April 23
Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. - Hesketh Pearson

April 24
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -

April 25
There are more chickens than people in the world. --

April 26
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old." By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday!"

April 29
Web site - What's found in the corners of high ceilings.

April 30
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. --

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Saturday, April 19, the 109th day of 2014. There are 256 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Miss McCorkindale has opened millinery rooms over Gimbel's dry goods store, where she offers a choice lot of millinery goods, which she will manufacture to order.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The little South Park Presbyterian chapel celebrated it first Easter decorated with flowers for an afternoon worship service attended by a large congregation.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The Wennerberg Chorus of Augustana College has returned from a 2,000-mile tour in the Eastern states and Illinois.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Col. Charles Lindbergh has stated that he is convinced that Germany's air force is equal to the combined sky fleets of her potential European foes.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Small gas motors may be permitted on boats in the lake to be built in Loud Thunder Forest Preserve. The prospect was discussed yesterday at a meeting of the Rock Island County Forest Preserve Commission.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The annual Dispatch/Rock Island Argus Spelling Bee continues to be a family tradition. Ed Lee, an eighth-grader at John Deere Junior High School, Moline, is the 1989 spelling bee champion from among 49 top spellers in Rock Island, Henry and Mercer counties. He advances to the competition in Washington, D.C. Runnerup was Ed's sister, Susan.

(More History)