Chuckles for April 2002

April 01
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.(

April 04
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry.(

April 05
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. (

April 08
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. - - -George Burns

April 09
Some people grin and bear it; others smile and do it. --Anonymous

April 10
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

April 11
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!

April 12
Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife: "What? At 2 AM?!" Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."

April 15
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax!" -- Albert Einstein

April 16
People who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music. -George Carlin

April 17
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with!

April 18
Vital Thing To Know About Taking A Bath: The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave. (

April 19
Why I don't have my homework?? I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school. (

April 22
Historians have found the first treaty the U. S. government ever signed with the Indians. It states that the Indians can keep their lands "for as long as the river runs clear, the buffalo roam, the grass grows tall and the mountains stand proud -- or ninety days -- whichever comes first.

April 23
Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. - Hesketh Pearson

April 24
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -

April 25
There are more chickens than people in the world. --

April 26
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old." By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday!"

April 29
Web site - What's found in the corners of high ceilings.

April 30
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. --

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of 2014. There are 153 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: A corps of surgeons now occupies the new hospital quarters at the Garrison Hospital on the Rock Island Arsenal. A fence has been installed to enclose the prison hospital.
1889 -- 125 years ago: B. Winter has let a contract to Christ Schreiner for a two story brick building with a double store front on the south side of 3rd Avenue just west of 17th Street. The estimated cost was $4,500.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Germany sent simultaneous ultimatums to Russia and France, demanding that Russia suspend mobilization within 12 hours and demanding that France inform Germany within 18 hours. In the case of war between Germany and Russia, France would remain neutral.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Civil service offices at the post office and the Rock Island Arsenal were swamped as more than 700 youths sought 15 machinist apprenticeships at the Arsenal.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Last night, American Legion Post 246 in Moline figuratively handed over the trousers to a female ex-Marine and petticoat rule began. Olga Swanson, of Moline, was installed as the first woman commander of the post .
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Illinois Quad City Civic Center captured the excitement and interest of a convention of auditorium managers this weekend in Reno, Nev. Bill Adams, civic center authority chairman, said the 10,000-seat arena planned for downtown Moline has caught the eye of construction firms, suppliers, management teams and concession groups.

(More History)