Chuckles for April 2002

April 01
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.(

April 04
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry.(

April 05
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. (

April 08
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. - - -George Burns

April 09
Some people grin and bear it; others smile and do it. --Anonymous

April 10
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

April 11
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!

April 12
Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife: "What? At 2 AM?!" Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."

April 15
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax!" -- Albert Einstein

April 16
People who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music. -George Carlin

April 17
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with!

April 18
Vital Thing To Know About Taking A Bath: The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave. (

April 19
Why I don't have my homework?? I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school. (

April 22
Historians have found the first treaty the U. S. government ever signed with the Indians. It states that the Indians can keep their lands "for as long as the river runs clear, the buffalo roam, the grass grows tall and the mountains stand proud -- or ninety days -- whichever comes first.

April 23
Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. - Hesketh Pearson

April 24
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -

April 25
There are more chickens than people in the world. --

April 26
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old." By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday!"

April 29
Web site - What's found in the corners of high ceilings.

April 30
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. --

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of 2014. There are 252 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Some persons are negotiating for 80 feet of ground on Illinois Street with a view of erecting four stores thereon. It would serve a better purpose if the money was invested in neat tenement houses.
1889 — 125 years ago: The Central station, car house and stables of the Moline-Rock Island Horse Railway line of the Holmes syndicate, together with 15 cars and 42 head of horses, were destroyed by fire. The loss was at $15,000.
1914 — 100 years ago: Vera Cruz, Mexico, after a day and night of resistance to American forces, gradually ceased opposition. The American forces took complete control of the city.
1939 — 75 years ago: Dr. R. Bruce Collins was reelected for a second term as president of the Lower Rock Island County Tuberculosis Association.
1964 — 50 years ago: Work is scheduled to begin this summer on construction of a new men's residence complex and an addition to the dining facilities at Westerlin Hall at Augustana College.
1989 — 25 years ago: Special Olympics competitors were triple winners at Rock Island High School Saturday. The participants vanquished the rain that fell during the competition, and some won their events; but most important, they triumphed over their own disabilities.

(More History)