Chuckles for March 2002

March 01
Sign in a Health Food Store window........ CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

March 04
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

March 05
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor

March 05
Sign outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

March 06
Clipping from Church Bulletin: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from

March 07
Sign on a Farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

March 08
Posted in a Restroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

March 11

March 12
Church Bulletin Blooper: The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

March 13
A rookie cop was asked the following question on an examination: "How would you go about dispersing a crowd?" He answered: "Take up an offering. That does it every time." (

March 14
"Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things, and I'll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things." (Bill Cosby)

March 15
Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. (Lawrence J Peter)

March 18
The best time to plant an oak tree is 20 years ago, the next best time is right now!

March 19
DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. (

March 19
In a Dry Cleaners Window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. (

March 20
Diet Excuse: Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes. (

March 21
Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They're pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course, but they look terrific! (

March 22
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home!" (

March 25
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. (

March 26
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born." Rodney Dangerfield

March 27
What NOT to say to the nice policeman: What do you mean, "Have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist!"

March 28
"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth." - Wendy Liebman

March 29
All-Time Best Oxymorons: Act naturally - Found missing - Resident alien - Advanced BASIC - Genuine imitation - Airline Food - Good grief - Same difference - Almost exactly - Government organization (

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Friday, April 25, the 115th day of 2014. There are 250 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Never in the history of Rock Island was there such a demand for houses as at present. Our city is suffering for the want of suitable tenement houses.

1889 — 125 years ago: The choir of Central Presbyterian Church presented a ladies concert under the direction of S.T. Bowlby.

1914 — 100 years ago: Miss Rosella Benson was elected president of the Standard Bearers of Spencer Memorial Methodist Church.

1939 — 75 years ago: Mrs. Nell Clapper was elected president of the Rock Island Business and Professional Women's Club.

1964 — 50 years ago: Gerald Hickman, of Seattle, Wash, will move his family to Rock Island to assume the position of produce buyer for the Eagle Food Center chain of food stores. This announcement was made today by Bernard Weindruch, president of Eagles.

1989 — 25 years ago: Care & Share, formed in 1984 to provide food to jobless and needy Quad-Citians, will disband because the major part of a crisis created by plant closings is over. Food for the needy is still necessary. So groups separately will continue to raise money and collect food.

(More History)