Chuckles for March 2002

March 01
Sign in a Health Food Store window........ CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

March 04
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

March 05
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor

March 05
Sign outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

March 06
Clipping from Church Bulletin: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from

March 07
Sign on a Farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

March 08
Posted in a Restroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

March 11

March 12
Church Bulletin Blooper: The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

March 13
A rookie cop was asked the following question on an examination: "How would you go about dispersing a crowd?" He answered: "Take up an offering. That does it every time." (

March 14
"Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things, and I'll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things." (Bill Cosby)

March 15
Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. (Lawrence J Peter)

March 18
The best time to plant an oak tree is 20 years ago, the next best time is right now!

March 19
DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. (

March 19
In a Dry Cleaners Window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. (

March 20
Diet Excuse: Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes. (

March 21
Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They're pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course, but they look terrific! (

March 22
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home!" (

March 25
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. (

March 26
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born." Rodney Dangerfield

March 27
What NOT to say to the nice policeman: What do you mean, "Have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist!"

March 28
"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth." - Wendy Liebman

March 29
All-Time Best Oxymorons: Act naturally - Found missing - Resident alien - Advanced BASIC - Genuine imitation - Airline Food - Good grief - Same difference - Almost exactly - Government organization (

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Wednesday, Aug. 20, the 232nd day of 2014. There are 133 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: Quite a number of Negroes have lately been brought here by abolition offers returning from the army in violation of the laws of the state.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Miss Tillie Denkmann, of Rock Island, was making plans to accompany a Davenport family on a tour of Europe.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The German advance into Belgium was going apparently without serious check. The American ambassador at Berlin published a denial of the charge that Americans had been ill-treated in Germany.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Seventy-two members of Rock Island High School's 1939 graduating class are preparing to enter college — 34 of them at Augustana.
1964 -- 50 years ago: One of the oldest buildings in Milan, which for a number of years has housed the Milan Hotel, will be razed to make way for a modern, two-story office structure.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Some are blaming it on the sudden influx of insects and the extreme humidity. Still others say the invasion was inspired by a recent movie. But whatever the reason, the Quad-Cities is swarming with bats.

(More History)