Chuckles for December 2001



December 03
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on. (www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 05
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. (www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 06
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon! (oneliners-and-proverbs)

December 07
Advertising manager: Where did you get this wonderful advertising idea? It would drag money out of anbody. Assistant: I'll say it would. It's compiled from the letters I received from my daughter at college. (oneliners-and-proverbs)

December 07
Unusual behavior by job applicants: When I asked her about her hobbies, she stood up and started tap dancing around my office. (jokesgalore.com)

December 10
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat, word for word, what you shouldn't have said. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 11
A woman has never shot a man while he was doing dishes. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 12
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 13
"Old" is when......your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. (jokesgalore.com)

December 14
Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the very edge of a pool and throw them fish. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 17
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it! (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 18
Stare, grinning, at another elevator passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!" comedylab.com

December 20
"I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." -- Sue Kolinsky (thecomedylab.com)

December 21
My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am. www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

December 26
You know your a tech addict when... You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.(www.lotsofjokes.com)

December 27
He who hesitates is last. (Mae West)

December 28
Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. (unknown)

December 31
To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society. --Theodore Roosevelt

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, Oct. 1, the 274th day of 2014. There are 91 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: It is rumored in the streets that the 13 negroes sent to Quincy on the Moline quota were refused. We think this must be a mistake.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Harvey McKenna, of Detroit, billiard player matched to play Wizard Schafer in New York in January for the world championship, was a professional friend and manager, Billy Catton in Rock Island.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Levi Cralle, former Rock Island county sheriff, had come from his farm near Mitchell, S.D. to visit friends in the city.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Work is being rushed on the new high school building in Orion to replace the one destroyed by fire last winter. Classes are being held in churches.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Rehearsals for the 84th season of the Handel Oratorio Society chorus will begin at 7:30 p.m. Monday on the stage of Centennial Hall, Augustana College.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Rock Island City Council's plan announced this week to have the federal government vacate Valley Homes public housing and move residents to Arsenal Courts to reduce density may not be feasible.






(More History)