Chuckles for December 2001



December 03
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on. (www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 05
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. (www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 06
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon! (oneliners-and-proverbs)

December 07
Advertising manager: Where did you get this wonderful advertising idea? It would drag money out of anbody. Assistant: I'll say it would. It's compiled from the letters I received from my daughter at college. (oneliners-and-proverbs)

December 07
Unusual behavior by job applicants: When I asked her about her hobbies, she stood up and started tap dancing around my office. (jokesgalore.com)

December 10
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat, word for word, what you shouldn't have said. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 11
A woman has never shot a man while he was doing dishes. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 12
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 13
"Old" is when......your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. (jokesgalore.com)

December 14
Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the very edge of a pool and throw them fish. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 17
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it! (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 18
Stare, grinning, at another elevator passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!" comedylab.com

December 20
"I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." -- Sue Kolinsky (thecomedylab.com)

December 21
My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am. www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

December 26
You know your a tech addict when... You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.(www.lotsofjokes.com)

December 27
He who hesitates is last. (Mae West)

December 28
Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. (unknown)

December 31
To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society. --Theodore Roosevelt

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Saturday, April 19, the 109th day of 2014. There are 256 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Miss McCorkindale has opened millinery rooms over Gimbel's dry goods store, where she offers a choice lot of millinery goods, which she will manufacture to order.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The little South Park Presbyterian chapel celebrated it first Easter decorated with flowers for an afternoon worship service attended by a large congregation.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The Wennerberg Chorus of Augustana College has returned from a 2,000-mile tour in the Eastern states and Illinois.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Col. Charles Lindbergh has stated that he is convinced that Germany's air force is equal to the combined sky fleets of her potential European foes.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Small gas motors may be permitted on boats in the lake to be built in Loud Thunder Forest Preserve. The prospect was discussed yesterday at a meeting of the Rock Island County Forest Preserve Commission.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The annual Dispatch/Rock Island Argus Spelling Bee continues to be a family tradition. Ed Lee, an eighth-grader at John Deere Junior High School, Moline, is the 1989 spelling bee champion from among 49 top spellers in Rock Island, Henry and Mercer counties. He advances to the competition in Washington, D.C. Runnerup was Ed's sister, Susan.






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