Chuckles for December 2001



December 03
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on. (www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 05
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. (www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 06
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon! (oneliners-and-proverbs)

December 07
Advertising manager: Where did you get this wonderful advertising idea? It would drag money out of anbody. Assistant: I'll say it would. It's compiled from the letters I received from my daughter at college. (oneliners-and-proverbs)

December 07
Unusual behavior by job applicants: When I asked her about her hobbies, she stood up and started tap dancing around my office. (jokesgalore.com)

December 10
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat, word for word, what you shouldn't have said. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 11
A woman has never shot a man while he was doing dishes. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 12
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 13
"Old" is when......your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. (jokesgalore.com)

December 14
Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the very edge of a pool and throw them fish. (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 17
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it! (oneliners-and-proverbs.com)

December 18
Stare, grinning, at another elevator passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!" comedylab.com

December 20
"I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." -- Sue Kolinsky (thecomedylab.com)

December 21
My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am. www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

December 26
You know your a tech addict when... You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.(www.lotsofjokes.com)

December 27
He who hesitates is last. (Mae West)

December 28
Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. (unknown)

December 31
To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society. --Theodore Roosevelt

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of 2014. There are 153 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: A corps of surgeons now occupies the new hospital quarters at the Garrison Hospital on the Rock Island Arsenal. A fence has been installed to enclose the prison hospital.
1889 -- 125 years ago: B. Winter has let a contract to Christ Schreiner for a two story brick building with a double store front on the south side of 3rd Avenue just west of 17th Street. The estimated cost was $4,500.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Germany sent simultaneous ultimatums to Russia and France, demanding that Russia suspend mobilization within 12 hours and demanding that France inform Germany within 18 hours. In the case of war between Germany and Russia, France would remain neutral.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Civil service offices at the post office and the Rock Island Arsenal were swamped as more than 700 youths sought 15 machinist apprenticeships at the Arsenal.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Last night, American Legion Post 246 in Moline figuratively handed over the trousers to a female ex-Marine and petticoat rule began. Olga Swanson, of Moline, was installed as the first woman commander of the post .
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Illinois Quad City Civic Center captured the excitement and interest of a convention of auditorium managers this weekend in Reno, Nev. Bill Adams, civic center authority chairman, said the 10,000-seat arena planned for downtown Moline has caught the eye of construction firms, suppliers, management teams and concession groups.








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