Chuckles for September 2001



September 05
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli

September 06
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" www.jokesgalore.com

September 07
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 08
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told -- Actual newspaper headline

September 10
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. Paul Harvey News, 1979

September 11
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." jokesgalore.com

September 12
" Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

September 13
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 14
My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher. www.jokesgalore.com

September 17
Bad spellers of the world untie! www.surfwiz.com

September 18
If stores claim to be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why do they have locks on the doors? www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 19
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Should we walk or take a dog? www.jokefile.co.uk

September 20
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? www.jokesgalore.com

September 21
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? www.jokesgalore.com

September 21
What kind of reptile tells time? A clock-odile. www.jokesgalore.com

September 24
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. www.jokesgalore.com

September 25
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Supermanís chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?www.jokesgalore.com

September 26
What do flies eat with their hamburgers? French flies! jokesgalore.com

September 27
What magazine do cats like to read? Good Mousekeeping. jokesgalore.com

September 28
What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer? A quackintosh. jokesgalore.com

Back: Past Chuckles






Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Sept. 1, the 244th day of 2014. There are 121 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We are informed by J.H. Hull that the reason the street sprinkler was not at work yesterday settling the dust on the streets, was because one of his horses was injured.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Bonnie McGregor, a fleet-footed stallion owned by S.W. Wheelock of this community, covered himself with glory at Lexington, Ky, when he ran a mile in 2:13 1/2. The horse's value was estimated as at least $50,000.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Troops are pouring into Paris to prepare for defense of the city. The German army is reported to be only 60 miles from the capital of France.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The German army has invaded Poland in undeclared warfare. Poland has appealed to Great Britain and France for aid.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Publication of a plant newspaper, the Farmall Works News, has been launched at the Rock Island IHC factory and replaces a managerial newsletter.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Officials predict Monday's Rock Island Labor Parade will be the biggest and best ever. Last minute work continues on floats and costumes for the parade, which steps off a 9:30 a.m.




(More History)