Chuckles for September 2001

September 05
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli

September 06
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" www.jokesgalore.com

September 07
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 08
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told -- Actual newspaper headline

September 10
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. Paul Harvey News, 1979

September 11
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." jokesgalore.com

September 12
" Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

September 13
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 14
My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher. www.jokesgalore.com

September 17
Bad spellers of the world untie! www.surfwiz.com

September 18
If stores claim to be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why do they have locks on the doors? www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 19
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Should we walk or take a dog? www.jokefile.co.uk

September 20
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? www.jokesgalore.com

September 21
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? www.jokesgalore.com

September 21
What kind of reptile tells time? A clock-odile. www.jokesgalore.com

September 24
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. www.jokesgalore.com

September 25
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Supermanís chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?www.jokesgalore.com

September 26
What do flies eat with their hamburgers? French flies! jokesgalore.com

September 27
What magazine do cats like to read? Good Mousekeeping. jokesgalore.com

September 28
What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer? A quackintosh. jokesgalore.com

Back: Past Chuckles

Local events heading

  Today is Saturday, Sept. 20, the 263rd day of 2014. There are 102 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Recruits can get $500 by enlisting now. Lt Jobe has a recruiting office on Illinois Street.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Superintendent Schnitger formally inaugurated the Rock Island and Davenport Railway Line of the Holmes system by putting on four cars to start.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Wires of the defunct Union Electric Co. are being removed by city electricians.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The Bishop Hill softball team won the championship in WHB"S Mississippi Valley tournament at Douglas Park.
1964 -- 50 years ago: A boom in apartment construction has hit Rock Island, with approximately 300 units either in or near the construction stage or due for an early rezoning decision.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Members of the Bi-State Metropolitan Planning Commission are hoping to revive their push for a new $70 million four-lane bridge spanning the Mississippi River.

(More History)