Chuckles for September 2001



September 05
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli

September 06
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" www.jokesgalore.com

September 07
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 08
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told -- Actual newspaper headline

September 10
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. Paul Harvey News, 1979

September 11
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." jokesgalore.com

September 12
" Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

September 13
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 14
My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher. www.jokesgalore.com

September 17
Bad spellers of the world untie! www.surfwiz.com

September 18
If stores claim to be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why do they have locks on the doors? www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com

September 19
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Should we walk or take a dog? www.jokefile.co.uk

September 20
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? www.jokesgalore.com

September 21
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? www.jokesgalore.com

September 21
What kind of reptile tells time? A clock-odile. www.jokesgalore.com

September 24
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. www.jokesgalore.com

September 25
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?www.jokesgalore.com

September 26
What do flies eat with their hamburgers? French flies! jokesgalore.com

September 27
What magazine do cats like to read? Good Mousekeeping. jokesgalore.com

September 28
What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer? A quackintosh. jokesgalore.com

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Local events heading








  Today is Friday, May 24, the 144th day of 2013. There are 221 days left in the year.
1863 -- 150 years ago: A military escort will be at the square at 9 a.m. tomorrow forthe funeral of Lieut. Joseph Eaton. The county judge is absent in Chicago, which willaccount for his not being in the procession.
1888 -- 125 years ago: Rock Island's City Council last night appropriated $95,000 forexpenses for the 1888 and 1889 fiscal year.
1913 -- 100 years ago: Mrs. F.W. Reimers last night was re-elected president of the RockIsland Musical Club at a meeting in the New Harper Hotel.
1938 -- 75 years ago: Seven members of Boy Scout Troop 21 got their Eagle badges lastnight. They were Ralph Hurt, Robert Nelson, Howard Schersten, Cecil Nelson, RobertFryxell, Clarence Stone and Rollin Hurt.
1963 -- 50 years ago: Mayor Morris Muhleman has resorted to a form letter in an effort toanswer objections to the wheel tax increase. "It was my hope that I could, in some way,restore the faith of the citizens in our city. In order to do this I knew I must face the factthat I would become very unpopular."All they are trying to do is protect the citizensproperty and build their town.
1988 -- 25 years ago: RICCA, the Rock Island County Council on Addictions, inconjunction with the Quad City Downs, will hold its annual "Night at the Races" June 2.The benefit "Night at the Races" will raise funds locally to assist in maintaining the twohalfway houses, New Hope Lodge (for women) and Beacon House (for men).




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