Chuckles for June 2001



June 01
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin

June 04
President Bush's 19-year-old twin daughters tried to buy alcohol using someone else's ID card … Apparently, they thought the restaurant owner wouldn’t recognize them, and would instead assume they were a DIFFERENT pair of young twin sisters who just happened to be surrounded by 22 Secret Service agents.

June 05
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from jail? The headlines in next day's papers read: "Small medium at large"

June 06
"(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president." — Jay Leno

June 07
You may be addicted to the Internet, if ... You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."

June 08
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common ... They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. (www.humordatabase.com)

June 18
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.

June 19
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. -- Oscar Wilde

June 21
Multitasking -- screwing up several things at once.

June 25
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

June 26
New York has forbidden the use of in-car cellphones without headsets… Surprisingly, however, despite this effort to force drivers to keep two hands on the wheel, there are NO current plans to ban manual transmissions… (www.newsjoke.com)

June 28
Classified bloopers: Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

June 29
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband. -- (www.humor.com)

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Friday, Sept. 19, the 262nd day of 2014. There are 103 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: Charles M. Osborn of this city, a lawyer of prominence, who voted for Lincoln in 1860 is now out strong for McClellan and will take the stump for him.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The George Fleming company had begun its dried fruit packing in a branch plant on 16th Street, Rock Island, employing nearly a hundred workers.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The cornerstone of the new Eagles home was laid. Building committee members were John Kobeman, Fred Ehmke and Frank Wich.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Former Kaiser Wilhelm, in exile, is sad as the Nazis march with communists.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Ninety-two members of the acappella choir at Davenport's West High School today accepted an invitation to perform at the New York World's Fair on June 13, 1965.
1989 -- 25 years ago: A Rock Island woman is one of 50 winners of $10,000 in cash in the Illinois State Lottery's "Celebration "89" instant ticket game. Dawn Loeffler was the third winner to be chosen through daily drawings that began Aug. 28 and will run 50 consecutive days.






(More History)