Chuckles for June 2001



June 01
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin

June 04
President Bush's 19-year-old twin daughters tried to buy alcohol using someone else's ID card … Apparently, they thought the restaurant owner wouldn’t recognize them, and would instead assume they were a DIFFERENT pair of young twin sisters who just happened to be surrounded by 22 Secret Service agents.

June 05
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from jail? The headlines in next day's papers read: "Small medium at large"

June 06
"(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president." — Jay Leno

June 07
You may be addicted to the Internet, if ... You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."

June 08
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common ... They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. (www.humordatabase.com)

June 18
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.

June 19
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. -- Oscar Wilde

June 21
Multitasking -- screwing up several things at once.

June 25
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

June 26
New York has forbidden the use of in-car cellphones without headsets… Surprisingly, however, despite this effort to force drivers to keep two hands on the wheel, there are NO current plans to ban manual transmissions… (www.newsjoke.com)

June 28
Classified bloopers: Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

June 29
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband. -- (www.humor.com)

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, Oct. 1, the 274th day of 2014. There are 91 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: It is rumored in the streets that the 13 negroes sent to Quincy on the Moline quota were refused. We think this must be a mistake.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Harvey McKenna, of Detroit, billiard player matched to play Wizard Schafer in New York in January for the world championship, was a professional friend and manager, Billy Catton in Rock Island.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Levi Cralle, former Rock Island county sheriff, had come from his farm near Mitchell, S.D. to visit friends in the city.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Work is being rushed on the new high school building in Orion to replace the one destroyed by fire last winter. Classes are being held in churches.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Rehearsals for the 84th season of the Handel Oratorio Society chorus will begin at 7:30 p.m. Monday on the stage of Centennial Hall, Augustana College.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Rock Island City Council's plan announced this week to have the federal government vacate Valley Homes public housing and move residents to Arsenal Courts to reduce density may not be feasible.






(More History)