Chuckles for June 2001



June 01
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin

June 04
President Bush's 19-year-old twin daughters tried to buy alcohol using someone else's ID card … Apparently, they thought the restaurant owner wouldn’t recognize them, and would instead assume they were a DIFFERENT pair of young twin sisters who just happened to be surrounded by 22 Secret Service agents.

June 05
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from jail? The headlines in next day's papers read: "Small medium at large"

June 06
"(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president." — Jay Leno

June 07
You may be addicted to the Internet, if ... You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."

June 08
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common ... They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. (www.humordatabase.com)

June 18
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.

June 19
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. -- Oscar Wilde

June 21
Multitasking -- screwing up several things at once.

June 25
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

June 26
New York has forbidden the use of in-car cellphones without headsets… Surprisingly, however, despite this effort to force drivers to keep two hands on the wheel, there are NO current plans to ban manual transmissions… (www.newsjoke.com)

June 28
Classified bloopers: Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

June 29
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband. -- (www.humor.com)

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Thursday, April 24, the 114th day of 2014. There are 251 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We learn that it is a contemplation to start a paper mill in Rock Island during the summer by a gentleman from the East.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The gates of Oklahoma were swung open at noon today, and a throng of more than 30,000 settlers started over its soil.
1914 -- 100 years ago: The Iowa Coliseum Co. was incorporated with $40,000 capital and planned a building on 4th Street between Warren and Green streets in Davenport.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Plans are being discussed for resurfacing the streets in the entire downtown district of Rock Island.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Some 45 jobs will be created at J.I. Case Co.'s Rock Island plant in a expansion of operations announced yesterday afternoon at the firm's headquarters in Racine, Wis.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Gardeners and farmers cheered, but not all Quad-Citians found joy Saturday as more than an inch of rain fell on the area. Motorists faced dangerous, rain-slick roads as the water activated grease and grime that had built up during dry weather.








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