Chuckles for December 2000



December 05
*"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

December 07
Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. -- Walter Lippmann

December 08
True announcement By flight crews: "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

December 09
Another true announcement by flight crews: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

December 11
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate Claus!

December 13
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

December 14
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

December 15
An authority: someone who knows lots of things you could care less about.

December 18
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A. Claustrophobic.

December 19
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. (www.santas.net)

December 22
Mom, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

December 27
''The best way to guarantee exciting dreams at night is to let your brain rest all day.'' -- Red Green

December 30
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

December 30
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

December 31
I went to the pet store the other day and asked if they had any cats going cheap and they said, "No, all our cats go meow."

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Monday, April 21, the 111th day of 2014. There are 254 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: The female sex seems to have gone crazy on the subject of dry goods. When high prices keep them from increasing their wardrobes, they turn to stealing. Yard goods, hats, shoes and other items are being picked up and carried home.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Members of Everts Commandery No. 18, Knights Templar, under Commander H.C. Cleaveland, marched from the Masonic Temple to Trinity Episcopal Church for their annual Easter services.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Nate Hultgren pitched the Augustana College baseball team to a 10-3 victory over Carthage, striking out 11 men and allowing only four hits.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Marvel Leonhardi, a Rock Island High School senior, was the winner of an essay contest on advertising sponsored by The Argus and Advertising Age, a national advertising publication.
1964 -- 50 years ago: The Augustana College band drew a crowd of 1,200 people for its annual home concert in Centennial Hall. The size of the crowd was indicative of the fact the band is rapidly approaching the stature of the Augustana Choir.
1989 -- 25 years ago: A benefit to raise money for extracurricular activities in the Rock Island Milan School District will be April 27 at the Quad City Downs harness race track. People buying $17.50 tickets to the second annual "Night at the Quad City Downs" will be entitled to an evening of harness racing and dinner.






(More History)