Chuckles for December 2000



December 05
*"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

December 07
Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. -- Walter Lippmann

December 08
True announcement By flight crews: "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

December 09
Another true announcement by flight crews: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

December 11
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate Claus!

December 13
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

December 14
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

December 15
An authority: someone who knows lots of things you could care less about.

December 18
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A. Claustrophobic.

December 19
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. (www.santas.net)

December 22
Mom, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

December 27
''The best way to guarantee exciting dreams at night is to let your brain rest all day.'' -- Red Green

December 30
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

December 30
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

December 31
I went to the pet store the other day and asked if they had any cats going cheap and they said, "No, all our cats go meow."

Back: Past Chuckles





Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of 2014. There are 252 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Some persons are negotiating for 80 feet of ground on Illinois Street with a view of erecting four stores thereon. It would serve a better purpose if the money was invested in neat tenement houses.
1889 — 125 years ago: The Central station, car house and stables of the Moline-Rock Island Horse Railway line of the Holmes syndicate, together with 15 cars and 42 head of horses, were destroyed by fire. The loss was at $15,000.
1914 — 100 years ago: Vera Cruz, Mexico, after a day and night of resistance to American forces, gradually ceased opposition. The American forces took complete control of the city.
1939 — 75 years ago: Dr. R. Bruce Collins was reelected for a second term as president of the Lower Rock Island County Tuberculosis Association.
1964 — 50 years ago: Work is scheduled to begin this summer on construction of a new men's residence complex and an addition to the dining facilities at Westerlin Hall at Augustana College.
1989 — 25 years ago: Special Olympics competitors were triple winners at Rock Island High School Saturday. The participants vanquished the rain that fell during the competition, and some won their events; but most important, they triumphed over their own disabilities.




(More History)