Chuckles for December 2000



December 05
*"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

December 07
Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. -- Walter Lippmann

December 08
True announcement By flight crews: "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

December 09
Another true announcement by flight crews: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

December 11
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate Claus!

December 13
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

December 14
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.

December 15
An authority: someone who knows lots of things you could care less about.

December 18
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A. Claustrophobic.

December 19
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. (www.santas.net)

December 22
Mom, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

December 27
''The best way to guarantee exciting dreams at night is to let your brain rest all day.'' -- Red Green

December 30
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

December 30
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

December 31
I went to the pet store the other day and asked if they had any cats going cheap and they said, "No, all our cats go meow."

Back: Past Chuckles




Local events heading








  Today is Wednesday, May 22, the 142nd day of 2013. There are 223 days left in the year.
1863 -- 150 years ago: Large quantities of ice from LaCrosse and Lake Pepin are beingshipped on ice boats, towed by steamers to St. Louis and points below.
1888 -- 125 years ago: With the Mississippi River at 18 feet above the low water stage,Rock Island is waging a valiant fight to keep the river from flooding the entire city.
1913 -- 100 years ago: Approval has been given by the city commission for paving 45thStreet between 7th and 11th Avenues.
1938 -- 75 years ago: Herndon Wright, of East Moline, has won the discus-throw title, by aheave of more than 140 feet, to set a new high school record at Champaign.
1963 -- 50 years ago: With the Selective Service Law recently extended by Congress forfour more years, Mrs. Hazel Doris reminded young men that they must register withinfive days after attaining their 18th birthday.
1988 -- 25 years ago: Over 500 Quad-Cities area retired volunteers were honoredrecently for their community services at a Retired Senior Volunteer Program luncheonat Palmer Auditorium in Davenport. Guest speaker, William Moffitt, director of productengineering of Deere & Co., spoke about leadership and stressed the importance ofcommunity volunteers.




(More History)