Chuckles for July 2000



July 01
Employers' lingo: ``Some overtime required.'' Meaning: ``Some time each night and some time each weekend.''

July 02
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

July 03
Do pilots take crash courses?

July 05
Conversation enders: ``Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.''

July 06
Most outrageous lawsuits of the 90s: A bank robber sued a bank, the police and a California city after he got away from the bank with marked money containing a tear-gas device that caused burned him when he stuffed it into his pants.

July 10
Sure-fire conversation ender: "Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the Earth."

July 11
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

July 13
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

July 14
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all beleive that we are above-average drivers.

July 14
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

July 15
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

July 16
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

July 17
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

July 19
Q.What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A.Great big holes all over Africa.

July 20
After all is said and done, more is said than done.

July 21
``Can I trade this job for what's behind Door No. 2?''

July 22
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

July 23
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?

July 24
Do not confuse your career with your life.

July 25
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

July 26
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

July 31
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

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  Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of 2014. There are 252 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Some persons are negotiating for 80 feet of ground on Illinois Street with a view of erecting four stores thereon. It would serve a better purpose if the money was invested in neat tenement houses.
1889 — 125 years ago: The Central station, car house and stables of the Moline-Rock Island Horse Railway line of the Holmes syndicate, together with 15 cars and 42 head of horses, were destroyed by fire. The loss was at $15,000.
1914 — 100 years ago: Vera Cruz, Mexico, after a day and night of resistance to American forces, gradually ceased opposition. The American forces took complete control of the city.
1939 — 75 years ago: Dr. R. Bruce Collins was reelected for a second term as president of the Lower Rock Island County Tuberculosis Association.
1964 — 50 years ago: Work is scheduled to begin this summer on construction of a new men's residence complex and an addition to the dining facilities at Westerlin Hall at Augustana College.
1989 — 25 years ago: Special Olympics competitors were triple winners at Rock Island High School Saturday. The participants vanquished the rain that fell during the competition, and some won their events; but most important, they triumphed over their own disabilities.




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