Chuckles for July 2000



July 01
Employers' lingo: ``Some overtime required.'' Meaning: ``Some time each night and some time each weekend.''

July 02
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

July 03
Do pilots take crash courses?

July 05
Conversation enders: ``Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.''

July 06
Most outrageous lawsuits of the 90s: A bank robber sued a bank, the police and a California city after he got away from the bank with marked money containing a tear-gas device that caused burned him when he stuffed it into his pants.

July 10
Sure-fire conversation ender: "Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the Earth."

July 11
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

July 13
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

July 14
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all beleive that we are above-average drivers.

July 14
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

July 15
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

July 16
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

July 17
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

July 19
Q.What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A.Great big holes all over Africa.

July 20
After all is said and done, more is said than done.

July 21
``Can I trade this job for what's behind Door No. 2?''

July 22
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

July 23
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?

July 24
Do not confuse your career with your life.

July 25
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

July 26
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

July 31
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

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  Today is Wednesday, Sept. 17, the 260th day of 2014. There are 105 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: We are told league merchants have paid no attention to the prohibition on selling ammunition, but continue to sell just as before the order was issued.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The Rev. R.F. Sweet, rector of Trinity Episcopal Parish, left for the East to visit his boyhood home in Boston before attending the general convention of the Episcopal Church in New York.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Dr. E.A. Anderson was named to succeed Dr. E.L. Kerns as head physician of the Modern Woodmen of America, and moved to Rock Island from Holdingford, Minn.
1939 -- 75 years ago: One week late, because of the outbreak of war, Dr. E.L. Beyer resumed his work as professor of romance languages at Augustana College. Dr. and Mrs. Beyer left Germany on the last train to the Belgian border.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Employees in Turnstyle stores in Moline and Davenport will vote Oct. 2 in an election set up by the Chicago regional office of the National Labor Relations Board. Employees will vote either for the Retail Clerk International or for no union.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Rock Island High School is considering a step to help teen moms stay in school and get their diploma. The school board is expected to vote tonight on instituting an on-site child care center.




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