Chuckles for July 2000



July 01
Employers' lingo: ``Some overtime required.'' Meaning: ``Some time each night and some time each weekend.''

July 02
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

July 03
Do pilots take crash courses?

July 05
Conversation enders: ``Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.''

July 06
Most outrageous lawsuits of the 90s: A bank robber sued a bank, the police and a California city after he got away from the bank with marked money containing a tear-gas device that caused burned him when he stuffed it into his pants.

July 10
Sure-fire conversation ender: "Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the Earth."

July 11
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

July 13
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

July 14
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all beleive that we are above-average drivers.

July 14
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

July 15
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

July 16
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

July 17
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

July 19
Q.What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A.Great big holes all over Africa.

July 20
After all is said and done, more is said than done.

July 21
``Can I trade this job for what's behind Door No. 2?''

July 22
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

July 23
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?

July 24
Do not confuse your career with your life.

July 25
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

July 26
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

July 31
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

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  Today is Wednesday, July 30, the 211th day of 2014. There are 154 days left in the year.
1864 -- 150 years ago: After Sept. 1, every small box of matches will be required to have a 3 cent duty Lincoln stamp on it, and every large box will be one cent for every 100 matches.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Rock Island residents had contributed a total of $1,293 to the American Red Cross for the Johnstown flood relief fund.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Capt. Clark Means, new darkhorse twirler for the ARGUS staff, was in great form in his initial contest as a mound laborer. The result was that THE ARGUS trimmed the Union 6-5.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Hunter and Humprey Moody, young Decatur, Ill, brothers, lack only a few hours of establishing a new world light plane endurance record.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Gates of the 110th annual Mercer County Fair swing open tonight at Aledo for a full week of day and night activity. More that $36,000 will be paid in premiums and race purses.
1989 -- 25 years ago: The baseball field carved out of the cornfield near Dyersville, Iowa, continues to keep dreams alive for hundreds of visitors. Tourists from 26 state and France have visited Dan Lansing's farm to see the baseball diamond seen in the hit movie "Field of Dreams."






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